Saving Duo
by Daydreamer79
Summary: An accident has left Duo Maxwell paralyzed from the waist down. He's grown tired of the struggles and frustrations that come with his condition. With no hope of a full recovery in sight, he is nearly at the end of his rope when an old friend from the past makes an appearance and shows him that just because his life has changed, doesn't mean it isn't worth living.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** I generally leave AN at the end of a story, but I figured I would do this at the beginning since this might have aspects that people would find unappealing. I hope not, but we'll just have to wait and see. This fic is going to have a lot of atypical things in it. Here is the big warning notice that I'm giving everyone who squeaks at the very slightest things. If you like this, leave a review so I know, but I won't hold this against you if you don't because I'm writing this for me as something I've wanted to do for a while.

**Warnings:**suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, depression, PTSD, legal use of drugs, paralyzed sex, atypical sexual situations, enemas(medical purposes), catheterizing(medical purposes), adult diapers (medical purposes), possible warning for things such as bedsores and urinary tract infections.

**Part One**

_"I'm leaving with Hilde tomorrow. She's got plans for a salvage yard. There is at least fifty years of space junk to clean up and recycle. Even if a hundred salvage yards pop up, we'll still be flush in business if we do things right. And, you know me. I always do things right. It's right up my alley being part of the Sweepers and all. I can always call up Howard if we need some extra business."_

_The face before him expressed little as it stared at him. If he felt any concern for what he was being told, he did not show it. But that ass had always been like that. Since the first time they'd met, odd though it was, he'd never really shown what he was feeling. Even when in pain, he simply grunted and bore it with a stoic expression. Some took the blank look and tight mouth to be anger, but that wasn't the case. Heero Yuy just didn't care, at least, not in the ways that normal people should have. He had focus and that was all that mattered. There was no room for anything else. Everyone else was simply distractions._

_He'd tried to change him, he really had. But he supposed there were some things that couldn't be changed. So, before he left, he wanted to try one last time. He wanted his feelings to be returned or at least to see some sign that he would one day be able to get through to him. If he had that little inch of hope, he would stay by Heero's side for as long as it took._

_"I wish you the best," replied the deep voice. That voice had deepened since they'd first met. Puberty at its finest. When Heero spoke, people listened._

_His heart cracked a little at that emotionless tone. "I heard you were going to protect Relena? Are you two an item now?"_

_"I don't see how that is any business of yours."_

_"I guess it isn't. I guess this is goodbye. I hope you find whatever you need to make your happy."_

_He didn't bother to wipe the tears from his eyes as he turned his back on the what could have beens. He would survive; it wasn't like he didn't have Hilde. She'd always been there. Maybe, he would give her a chance. Anyone that could take his mind off what he'd just allowed to slip away was better than nothing. It had to be._

A chiming sound jerked Duo Maxwell from sleep and a dream he would have rather not had. He dreamed of the past often, any soldier who had survived what he had did so, but there were parts he wished he didn't have to remember. It wasn't the fighting or the death that bothered him; it was what he had lost at the end that haunted him so bitterly.

It was the past, but some hurt far worse than others. With things how they were, he really did not need those bad ones to compound on his life now. It was hard enough just to wake up in the morning.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he turned his gaze to the computer screen. He'd set up his system to do searches for particular key words. The internet was simply too expansive for him to search on his own. Even the most precise of searches would turn up millions of sites.

It took some doing, but he finally finished a program that would filter through the garbage or unnecessary results, and chime when finished with a much more manageable list to peruse. It was probably one of his better creations considering that he was not much of a master at writing programs. His talents came more in breaking in and destroying them.

With a grunt, he pulled himself closer to the table and reached for the mouse. A few clicks and his eyes were darting over the data presented to him. The more he read, the angrier he became. Even with the technology to create monsters of war ten years past, medical breakthroughs were rare—at least the sort he hoped to find. Prosthetic limbs had received a huge amount of money after the war due to the number of former soldiers missing arms and legs, but people in his situation weren't as common.

"Damn it!" he shouted and swiped his laptop off the table in a vicious sweep. He heard the metal and plastic crack as it hit the nearby wall and then floor. It wasn't like he couldn't fix the damn thing later. He'd always been good at fixing things, but when it came to himself, that was another thing altogether.

His hands fisted in the material of his jeans and he bent his head while his chest heaved with each gulp of processed colony air. Once more, he wondered why he tried so hard. Was there any point to it all?

It was so hard. Every day was a fucking struggle just to get out of bed. When the struggle bore no fruit, was there any purpose in continuing on? He was so damn tired of simply existing.

His eyes darted to the desk drawer to his right. He had a gun secreted away there in case of emergencies. It would be so easy to end it all and be done with the struggle.

Almost on instinct, he reached inside and pulled out the handgun. The black barrel gleamed and the grip fit into his palm like an old friend. He and this weapon had seen quite a bit of action in years past and he'd always taken good care of it.

He was almost surprised at the tremble in his hand as he brought the barrel to his mouth. Tears crept down the sides of his cheeks and small sobs escaped from his throat. He could taste the gun oil on his tongue along with the tang of metal. All he had to do was release the safety and pull the trigger. It would be over...everything would be finished. He'd always sworn to himself to never let anyone ever have control over his life or death again. When he died, it would be on his terms.

The trembling in his hand increased as his thumb released the safety in a practiced motion. It would be quick and easy. There would be no pain and he would be free.

"Duo?"

A gasp startled him and he jerked the weapon from his mouth. His shaking intensified and he quickly pressed the safety and shoved the gun into the drawer while wiping at his eyes. His stomach was in knots and he couldn't seem to stop the small tremble of his hands. Even during the war, he was certain he had never come as close to death as he had just moments ago. He had felt the cold clammy touch of a familiar hand on his shoulder and it scared him.

"Duo? What happened in here?"

He gave another swipe at his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. "Bad porn."

Hilde Schbeiker frowned and moved into the room with careful steps. "I thought you didn't lie?"

Duo blew out a frustrated breath. "I was being facetious."

"That's a big word for you," she teased, though he would have had to be blind not to see the way her lips tightened just a fraction. Once upon a time they had been friends and lovers. He could read her quite well, though he doubted she possessed as much skill at reading him. If she did, she would have him carted off to the crazy house in two seconds flat.

"What do you want, Hilde?"

"I want you to stop doing this to yourself. There is so much you can still do. You're not dead. You can come work for me at the scrap yard. Business is still booming and I'm about to need to hire a secretary anyway..."

"Stop," he whispered.

"I'm serious, Duo. I could really use the help and you're a lot better with computers than I am, that's for sure. It would be great to work together again and it would get you out of the house."

"Just stop," he shouted when he heard the pity in her voice. It took him a moment to gain control over his fluxing emotions before speaking again in a calmer voice. "Please, just stop."

"Please, Duo. You're wasting away in here. How long has it been since you've been outside? Hell, when was the last time you took a bath or had something to eat?"

"I don't want to go outside," he snapped harshly. "And I eat plenty."

"You can't stay holed up in here for the rest of your life?"

"Why not? I have groceries delivered. I have my computer...once I fix it, and anything I need is a mouse click away. I could stay here forever and survive perfectly well."

"Please, Duo...come out with me. We'll go grab an early dinner and maybe catch a movie. You know, like we used to."

"Hilde, for the last time, I'm not going out. Just please, leave."

A trace of shame washed over him upon seeing her lower lip quiver lightly before delicate white teeth latched onto the flesh. What he could feel of his heart cracked a little in memory of the solace she had offered him when he had left Earth for the last time. He wished so badly that he could pull her into his arms and say everything was going to be alright, but it wasn't. It would never be alright again. She was the only friend he had left and he was pushing her away...needed to push her away. Maybe then, he would be brave enough to pull that trigger when he was certain no one would miss him when he died because fuck, it was hard to finish it when he knew there was someone who would cry for him.

"Please," he whispered hoarsely.

He didn't dare look at her. He could practically hear the tears tracking down her cheeks before she sniffed and straightened where she stood. "I'll leave...for now, but I'm coming back."

"Why?"

"Because, Duo Maxwell, you're not the only person in this room with a stubborn streak."

He shook his head as she stomped out of the house. With a weary sigh, he pressed his fingers to his eyes and cradled his head. How long he sat like that, he had no clue until his watch chimed and he flinched upon knowing what that meant.

His jaw clenched and his stomach knotted. With a grimace, he lowered his hands to the wheels on the chair he was confined to and pushed toward the modified bathroom just through his bedroom. He'd had everything modified when he'd thought there was a chance he would eventually recover. Having a safe place to slowly recover was always smart and if he was anything, it was smart. Professor G wouldn't have allowed him anywhere near Deathscythe if he had been anything else.

With a heavy sigh, he pushed through the bedroom and into the bathroom. He hated doing this more than anything else. If God was as merciful as Father Maxwell and Sister Helen had sworn, he would not be tortured like this. He would not have to wear adult diapers to ensure he didn't mess himself. He would not have to catherize himself just to get rid of urine his bladder no longer received the signals to expel. If God truly was loving and merciful, he would not be forced to train his body when to take a dump. He would be able to walk and run and have sex like a normal person.

No, he thought as he struggled to shove down the lounge pants he wore. Father Maxwell and Sister Helen had lied to him. There was no God.

* * *

The shrill annoying sound of a phone was quickly silenced when a hand plucked it from its cradle and placed it calmly to an ear. He really needed to change the ringer to something less grating. He made a mental note to do so after he finished with the call. "Yes?"

"I can't believe it worked. Howard said you were working here when I asked him how to find you, but I didn't believe him. After the wars, things got so hectic and everyone just sort of disappeared, going about doing their own thing. I just can't believe you're actually working for the Preventers now. Duo told me that you'd never be a soldier like that again after we finally achieved what we all worked for."

He frowned at the babbling female voice. It was familiar, like a forgotten dream suddenly being brought back into his recollection. The memories of the past were pulled from their hidden locker and forced to the forefront of his mind. A mental image of a smiling girl with short dark hair and blue eyes appeared and he sat a little straighter in his chair.

Hilde Schbeiker.

It had been over ten years since he'd even thought of her. A trace of some unspoken and decidedly undesired feeling rose in his chest, to which he pushed it away. He refused to rehash thoughts and feelings of that time when he was more a machine than a man. They only brought with them the loss he'd experienced when he finally allowed the last traces of the soldier he'd become to flow away from him.

"It's so good to hear your voice, Heero."

"It's been a while, Hilde" Heero Yuy stated blandly. Over ten years to be precise.

Ten years of relative piece. There were always dissidents who caused a stir here and there, but no one ever came close to the horrors of the past wars. "One moment, I'll put you on the vid."

He pressed a button and the small screen beside his desk flickered before an older image of the girl in his mind appeared. She still looked pixie-like with her short dark hair and large eyes. But she no longer held that look of youth and happiness that had gleamed at the end of the wars. There were dark shadows beneath her eyes, as if she hadn't had a good night of sleep for a while. It created a strained look to her face despite her friendly and upbeat voice.

"Wow, Heero...you look good. I guess peace time agrees with you."

"And you look tired," he replied.

She lifted a hand to her hair and gave a small laugh. "You can tell? I must look a fright. I guess I was too excited about finding a number for you that I didn't bother to make myself presentable."

"You look fine. Did something happen to your business?"

She blinked several times. "The scrap yard? Oh no, it's fine. It's busier than ever. I'm actually going to have to hire more help. It seems I've developed a reputation as an honest business."

"How is Duo taking the expansion?" He visibly flinched upon saying his name. Duo Maxwell was one of his greatest regrets. It was shortly after the second threat to peace. He hadn't had the chance to fully decompress and open himself up to those around him. He now knew his actions were harsh and might be seen as uncaring. That hadn't been the case, he just hadn't had time to push aside the soldier and reveal the boy hidden there. It had actually taken a lot longer than he'd thought it would.

After only a year in the employee of Relena Peacecraft, he'd started having flashbacks. The 'perfect' solider that had been created by the war had very nearly succumbed to a nervous breakdown. It had taken almost six months institutionalized and years of counseling before he was ever able to be called well. Two years prior, he'd been asked by the Preventers to work in their tech crimes unit. He liked it, he was protecting as he was meant to, but he was safe from active duty. Une had wanted him for a field agent and he had told her no from the beginning. He was just starting to feel what he assumed normal was and did not need to awaken the monsters that had finally been conquered.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

The words jolted him from his thoughts and he stared as the barely hidden worry on Hilde's face flared forth. Her eyes took on a haunted look and she looked as if she were moments from bawling her eyes out. A sliver of dread worked through his bloodstream and he had to actually force his breathing to remain steady.

"Did something happen to Duo?"

A tear actually did make its way down her cheek. She did not hide it quickly enough for his sharp eyes. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that he was certain it would explode out of his ribcage. All he could think was that something had happened to Duo and he had not been there to protect him.

It was just like in the war, whenever Duo or his Gundam was damaged, Heero felt responsible. He should have been there to protect him, even if it was not humanly possible. There were times when he had done a lot of things that were not humanly possible.

In some ways, he wasn't human. His training had created resistance to drugs, even those meant to help. It was one reason why his doctors had institutionalized him shortly after his near breakdown. The drugs they were prescribing him had little to no effect. He'd finally been stabilized on the antipsychotic, aripiprazole. It was so rarely prescribed any more after advances in psychiatric medicine, but seemed to work with him. Maybe J had never thought to make him resistant to it, or perhaps it was J offering him a way to live after the war was over—knowing that he had done would probably haunt him.

"Duo was in an accident."

Heero's world came crashing down on him. His hands were shaking now and he quickly reached for a pill bottle he kept with him, containing some anti-anxiety medication. He hadn't needed them in months.

"Heero?"

He popped two of the pale blue pills in his mouth and swallowed them down with a drink of water before turning his gaze back to Hilde. Hiding his emotions behind a mask was the only way he could cope with things right now and he knew his face must have reverted to its former appearance judging from the way she visibly flinched when he finally focused on her.

"What happened to Duo?"

Her sadness nearly overwhelmed him as she began to speak. "About a year ago, Duo was working on one of the shuttles. An idiot with forklift came to work drunk and ended up pinning Duo into the side of the shuttle. His back was broken and his spine severed. He has no feeling below the waist and is confined to a wheelchair."

"And the driver of the forklift?"

"A fine and some community service. By the time the case went to court, the judge determined him to have served long enough in jail during his time in lockup left it at that," she answered bitterly.

"What is his name?" he asked coldly, already plotting the many ways he could destroy a man's life without ever pulling a trigger.

"Wait, Heero, I didn't call you for that. Any other time I'd say have at him...after what he did, he deserves to be punished, but right now, he isn't important. Duo needs you...I think...I think he's about ready to give up. I think he might hurt himself before much longer. I tired..." She was actively crying now and not bothering to hide it. "God help me, I did, but he's closed up to me. I could never be you to him. In the end, I suppose we were better friends than lovers. I'd hoped I could be more to him, but as big as Duo's heart is, you always had the lion's share of it."

He swallowed back the anger he felt at the man who had hurt one of the few people he could honestly say he cared for. If he wanted to be truthful with himself, he more than cared for Duo, but he couldn't bring himself to cross that line yet despite how his heart stuttered at Hilde's words. There were more important things than his feelings now.

"What do you want me to do?"

Hilde took a shaky breath. "I want you to save him...to save my best friend. He's dying before my eyes and I can't do anything. Please, Heero...I know things...might have ended badly between you, Duo never said why he never contacted anyone and I never pried into old wounds...but please, you have to help him."

She really did not have to ask. He'd know from the moment she'd mentioned Duo was hurt that he would go to him. As much as he had tried to ignore Duo's boisterous attitude during the wars, it had always left him feeling like there was hope for their futures and for each of them. Duo had given him hope and now it was his time to return the favor.

"I'll catch the next shuttle to L-2. Can you email me his address?"

"Absolutely." She sat forward with a pleading expression. "Heero, he's not the same. Don't give up on him. If you give up on him, then we've already lost him. He's shut out everyone, including Howard. I'm the last person who he'll even talk to and he barely even acknowledges me anymore. You have to bring him back."

Heero nodded and ended the call. Moments later his computer chimed and he pulled up the email from Hilde with Duo's address and directions to it.

With something akin to desperation, he set about booking a flight to L-2 and sending notice to his superiors about the emergency leave. He didn't give any details other than a family emergency was calling him away for an undetermined amount of time. It wasn't as if he really needed the money if they fired him for leaving without advance notice. After the war, he had invested the remaining funds he had pilfered from OZ to support repair and ammunition for Wing. There were some things he was extremely methodical about and nothing he did and no amount of medication he took ever seemed to stop them—the way he handled his money was one such thing.

His doctors had told him that there were parts of the soldier and of the monster created by the Zero program that would always remain with him. It created slightly OCD tendencies along with his PTSD and made him a little nervous about the trip.

He hadn't been in space for years, let alone traveled to the colonies. In a way, it frightened him. The last thing he needed was his PTSD acting up. Duo needed him.

His shuttle flight was leaving in three hours. It gave him enough time to stop by the little house he owned to pack a bag and arrange for his neighbor to stop in periodically and water his plants. Then, he would be off planet for as long as it took to save Duo, even from himself.

* * *

Stepping out of the shuttle felt odd for a moment. There was a slight different in the gravity making him feel a bit lighter and forcing him to adjust. He had forgotten what it felt like to move back and forth between the colonies and Earth. Life on the colonies was decidedly different from that of Earth. Even the air smelled differently after being recycled through the life support systems.

The quality of life on L-2 was much better after the war and reconciliation of the colonies to Earth. It was no longer a ghetto to house the undesirables, but a thriving colony along with its sister satellites. The old Duo would have been proud to see the place where he barely survived as a child, become a place he could be proud to say he came from. It was anyone's guess what the current Duo would say.

Grabbing his bag from the carousel, he walked out of the shuttle dock and into the artificial light of L-2. There were several taxis available and he slid into the back of one while giving Duo's address. As the vehicle darted through the streets, he was given a close up look at how things had changed for the once rundown colony cluster. There were still poor neighborhoods, but it was no longer falling apart with little to no income.

It wasn't until the vehicle pulled to a stop that he realized they were at his location. The neighborhood was decent, neither upscale nor located in the slums. The house was small and sandwiched between two other buildings, but it was in good shape with no garbage or anything unsightly on the walk before it. And yet, it didn't really look alive either. There was nothing on the door or even in the windows like the other houses down the street. It looked almost empty.

He handed the taxi driver his card to be scanned while he stared at the building. There was a fairly new wheelchair ramp that led into the house. It had to be Duo's home.

He accepted his receipt and card from the driver and took his bags from the vehicle before moving toward the door. Hilde had told him the keypad code to enter the building and he easily punched in the numbers and stepped inside.

The interior was...sad. There were a few dead plants in the corner and various boxes of odds and ends. It looked a mixture of barely moved in and living out of boxes. And it was dusty. L-2 contained several scrap yards and was a focal point for many salvage groups. The filters in the colony just could not keep up with the dust that was brought in by the shuttles and their take. It caused a lot of dust in the air. Duo's house definitely needed a good dusting, something his slight OCD tendencies was not going to allow to go unattended for very long.

He took a fortifying breath before walking deeper into the house. He probably should have called ahead or at least knocked, but from what Hilde had told him, he wondered if Duo would have answered either. They were old friends, so he would call upon that friendship and make himself at home.

Leaving his bag by the door, he walked past the living area and went through the first door on the right to find a study of sorts. A broken laptop was sitting on a desk with various parts around it. The room contained several broken laptop pieces and various parts and motherboards. He arched a brow at the mess as he backed out and shut the door. The hallway he was walking down was wider than most, probably to make room for the wheelchair.

The next room was a guest bathroom. It looked bare and unused, another aspect of Duo's life that bothered him. Duo should have others around him, supporting him. He had always been the sort to flourish under the attention of others.

There was only one last door in the hall and he opened it to just in time to hear a toilet flushing and see a far too thin Duo wheel himself out into what was obviously his bedroom. Both froze where they stood upon seeing each other. Duo's eyes, those absolutely stunning eyes, were wide with shock and a liberal dose of fear, though he hid it well.

Heero kept his face as neutral as possible and inclined his head in greeting. "It's been a long time, Duo."

To be continued.


	2. Chapter 2

Duo's jaw dropped and his eyes grew as wide as saucers. It was akin to experiencing his greatest desire and most horrible nightmare meshed together in one moment of undefinable agony and bliss. The thoughts in his mind spun wildly as they struggled to create words or even cohesive thoughts at seeing the man standing before him. The only definitive thought in his mind was a name he only uttered while in solitude when the ghosts of the past rose to haunt him.

Heero.

The hands still wrapped around the wheels of his chair tightened with enough force that the joints in his knuckles bleached white. His brain vaguely alerted him to the pain in his hands, which he ignored as he had always done with that sensation. Pain was never something he had all that much trouble ignoring—he was used to it, after all. Hunger pains as a child on the streets. Bleeding wounds from the war. Hell, he'd even had a raging case of blue balls once and that was a physical pain no man could ever forget.

He swallowed around the thickness in his throat and took in his uninvited guest. It was Heero, there was no denying his identity. Even after ten years, he still seemed unable to tame that wild mop of hair. Those startling exotically shaped blue eyes reminded him of past longings and he shifted his gaze away to examine the rest of him in an effort to distract himself from those futile thoughts.

Heero's shoulders had broadened out and he had grown about a foot since he'd last seen him. He was still a bit on the short side, but quite within the normal range for his genetic coding. His height was a definite representation of his Asian descent, after all. But even being shorter than the Caucasian norm, Heero's presence made his physical stature a nonissue. Even acting like a damn computer program, he had garnered the respect and attention of most people he met. He possessed an innate charisma that drew others in.

Staring at him, Duo didn't know what to say. His mouth was dry and his stomach clenched. Even his heart began to pound a loud staccato against his chest wall. He waited for Heero to say something else, but even he seemed at a loss for words, not that he was surprised in the least. It didn't take a genius to know how he looked sitting in a wheelchair.

The silence killed him, and he was the first to break it. "What are you doing here, Heero?"

"Hilde called me."

"Of course she did." He closed his eyes and lifted a hand to rub the bridge of his nose. He should have known his little make-out session with the gun hadn't completely escaped her eyes. Why couldn't she have just left well enough alone? He hadn't tried to kill himself since, despite the wistful longing for oblivion. At least she hadn't been foolish enough to try and take the gun from him. In the state he'd been in on that day, he would have likely shot her.

"She's worried about you."

"Let me guess, she told you I was suicidal. Did she happen to mention with good fucking reason?" Duo pointed to the chair he sat in eighteen hours out of the day. "I think I have a pretty damn good reason for not wanting to live."

"Not being able to use your legs is not a good reason to end your life," stated Heero plainly. He might not be the semi-robot of the past, but that slightly nasally way he spoke was grating on his nerves all the same. It brought up memories, ones he did not want to recall.

"How about we trade places? Then you can tell me how easy it is," he snarled.

"Do you think I wouldn't?"

"Talk's easy when you don't have to follow through with it." Duo glared at him and gave a hard shove on the wheels of his chair, not bothering to avoid Heero. "Living isn't always the better option, and you fucking know it."

It gave him a small amount of pleasure to see the man sidestep out of his way. Heero Yuy had never stepped aside for anyone, at least not him. As he rolled down the hallway, he could hear the muted sound of Heero's feet as he followed him and chose to ignore him.

He was so damn pissed at Hilde that if she was standing in his house, he could very well have taken a gun to her. It wasn't like he hadn't done that before. Hell, he'd shot Heero twice upon first meeting him.

He'd suspected that she'd seen the gun. Hell, even with his back to her, she had to have known. He should have known she wouldn't leave well enough alone. What he had not expected was for her to call up Heero-fucking-Yuy.

Where the hell had she dug him up? How had she dug him up? It wasn't like any of them couldn't disappear without a trace—electronically speaking, and he hadn't seen Heero's name or face represented in any of the articles or photographs containing Relena Peacecraft. He had pretty much dropped completely out of the public eye...pretty much like himself, if he wanted to be honest.

Opening the door to his study/workroom, he wheeled inside and up to the remains of his laptop. He'd really done a number on the machine. He was going to have to rebuild the thing from the ground up. It would probably be cheaper to simply buy a new one and upgrade it, but considering this would be his only source of entertainment, he chose the annoyance of rebuilding the machine.

He felt more than saw Heero move up beside him. He remained just out of arm's length and silent, watching him with those damn eyes. It made his chest hurt and breathed life into the emotions he had shoved into the back of his mind. It was just his luck that Heero would show his face to him again when he was like this, a broken man with no hope of any sort of life.

While staring at the broken computer, he marveled at just how like him the machine was. It was nearly worthless, the parts being more valuable than the whole. But unlike him, it could be repaired. There were boxes of spare computer parts behind him and every conceivable tool to use. The computer could be saved.

An exhaled breath escaped his chest and he finally turned to see Heero. His face was blank, but that was nothing new. It had been his goal in the past to attempt to crack that mask...and had done so. Not as often as he would have liked, but more than any of the others. The only person to annoy Heero more than him was Relena. She'd been a nice enough girl, but damn if she wasn't annoyingly good at following Heero around.

He almost laughed at a few memories that surfaced. It was almost like Relena Peacecraft had a Heero radar inserted in her brain. Annoying as she could be, she had a good heart and really fought for Earth and the colonies. He had really expected Heero to stay by her side and be the silent guardian he seemed destined to be, maybe even marry her and have a requisite two children and a dog. He refused to be relieved that such had not happened.

"Duo..."

"Why'd you come, Heero? And don't feed me some bullshit about Hilde being worried. You don't give two shits about her or what worries her."

"That's not true," answered Heero calmly.

"I told you not to bullshit me," snapped Duo.

Heero sighed and shook his head, causing the dark bangs to obscure his eyes. "You didn't let me finish. I said it's not true when what worries her involves you."

"And what's so damn special about me? You seemed to pretty easily forget I even existed for ten years."

A flash of something darkened Heero's eyes before it disappeared under a mask of calm. "I wasn't the only one who forgot. When was the last time you spoke to any of us? To Quatre?"

The ice in his chest cracked and the anger in him flared when the jab hit a little too close to home. "Don't bring the others into this. They aren't here."

"I'm sure if they knew what had happened to you, they would be in a heartbeat. Quatre would worry."

Duo snorted. "He worries about everyone."

Heero's eyes sharpened. "Quatre only worries about those he cares about. You mean a lot to him, to all of us. No one else could understand what we experienced. The wars and our lives after them changed us. I changed. I'm not the same person you knew."

"That goes double for me. I'm about half the person I was."

He saw Heero's features harden and was rather surprised. That asshole actually looked angry. He'd seen him angry before, but not like that, so suddenly. It was almost frightening to see. He looked ready to kill, but unlike the times in the past when he had taken lives, he'd never really shown any emotion at doing so. There had never been any anger associated with his actions during the wars, only cold calculation. When Heero had fired on the enemy, he had not batted a lash at the deaths resulting from his attacks.

"I don't find that humorous, Duo."

"You wouldn't. You never could laugh at a joke," he groused and added a glare just for the hell of it. "You still have that damn stick up your ass...maybe not as bad as Wufei's stick, but bad enough."

Heero's frown didn't fade in the slightest. "You're deflecting."

Duo sighed and through up his hands in defeat. "What do you want from me, Heero? Do you want me to be the same guy who bounced around with a smile on his face? Well, I hate to disappoint you, but I can't. Hell, I'm so fucked up that I can't even smile a fake smile any more. I'm not that kid anymore. I'm a shadow of that person. Maybe I'm already dead and my damn body hasn't caught up to that knowledge because I sure as hell can't feel a damn thing anymore...inside or out."

Heero frowned and looked as if he would take a step forward before settling once more into a strained sense of calm. There was a coiled tension barely visible in Heero's eyes. It was curious because during the war, the only expressions that were visible were the extremes brought on by his determination to come out the victor in his endeavor.

Now, there was that unnamable darkness in his eyes. His curiosity was piqued, even if only slightly.

"I don't want anything from you. I want to help you."

"Well, unless you're a neurosurgeon who invented a way to reconnect my spine, there isn't anything you can do to help me. According to all the other doctors, I'm pretty much fucked."

"Stop evading. You're hiding."

"It's what I'm good at, after all."

Heero's gaze softened. "Let me help you, Duo."

Duo stared at him with an incredulous expression. What the fuck had happened to Heero? True, Heero could be termed as the helping sort in a warped way. He had risked his life to help the colonists. What came off as odd was Heero wanting to help him. In the big picture he was no one and Heero had never really shown any strong attachment to him, not like what he had developed for the other. And that pissed him off all the more. Now, when he was as he was, Heero suddenly developed a need to come to him.

"Fuck you, Heero Yuy." Duo twisted his wheelchair so that he completely faced him. Even staring up at him, he didn't allow that asshole to see anything, but defiance. "I don't want or need help."

"Hilde didn't seem to think so."

"Fuck Hilde. She doesn't know what it's like, and neither do you. You say you'd change places with me, but do you really know what that means? You probably think it would be easy to adjust after a while, right? Just build up the strength in your arms and go on about your life, but you don't know shit. Do you know how long it takes to get dressed in the morning? It takes a good ten minutes just to pull on some damn pants, and that's after I take a dump in the toilet on a set schedule that I've trained my body to do. After my timed shit, I put on a diaper...like a fucking baby in case I accidentally mess myself, not that I would know if I did since I can't feel a damn thing."

He took a few breaths that did nothing to calm his anger and frustrations. No one understood what it was like to be so damn helpless over everything. No one really realized how hard it was when you couldn't stand or walk or even have full control over your bodily functions. Saying and truly understanding were two very different things.

"I can't even have an orgasm anymore. If I rub myself hard enough, sometimes my body will let me get a partial erection and maybe even a little cum will spill out, but I can't feel a damn thing. It's like rubbing someone else's body. I won't ever have sex again, but do you want to know what the worst part is? I don't think I even care, because in all honesty, who would want to have sex with a paralyzed man? It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does." Duo took another breath and closed his eyes. "So, you should just call up Hilde, tell her I'm fine...that I'm alive, and just leave. I don't know why you even bothered coming. It's not like you were ever the sort to care."

"I'm not leaving."

He glared and grabbed a screwdriver from a box and waved the tool at him. "Yes, you fucking are. I'm fine. I don't need you or anyone else. You've done your duty and come to see me in all my splendor. Now, I need you to leave."

"I'm not leaving," Heero repeated.

Duo turned his back on him, not able to bear looking at him any longer. "Please, Heero. I need to be alone. It hurts to damn much with you here. Please..."

He cursed himself at how weak he sounded. The old Duo Maxwell would never have sounded that weak. He would have cursed and spat and fought. Regaining the control he had allowed to slip took a long and brutal moment along with several deeply fortifying breaths.

He grabbed his tools and began to tinker with the computer. Even with the majority of his attention focused on the hardware before him, a small part of his brain was hyperaware of Heero's steady gaze on him. He fought back a shiver and only finally breathed a sigh of relief when the door to his study closed with an audible snap. He reached over to a radio and turned up the music as loud as he could to drown out the sound of Heero leaving. And a lone tear streaked down his face. Why couldn't that ass have stayed away? Why did he have to come and bring with him the memories better left buried in the past? Why had he come now?

* * *

Heero's chest contracted as he closed the door to Duo's workroom. His hands dug into a pocket for the prescription bottle hidden there. He debated for several long breaths about taking a pill. His anxiety was the highest it had been since before he had gone into treatment. Worry and dread filled him at seeing Duo. He wasn't bothered by the chair. It was a nonissue for him.

It was the dead look in Duo's eyes that had been like an arrow to his chest and created the progressive growth in his anxiety. It was obvious that Duo wasn't even bothering to take care of himself. The hair that he had been obsessive about during the wars was in need of a wash judging by its greasy shine and his body could stand another twenty pounds of weight. In both mind and body, he looked as if he had given up and was waiting to die.

The more he thought about the Duo Maxwell he had seen only moments ago, the more depressed he became. His muscles were spasming and he could feel the far too familiar urge to revert back into the emotionless state that had cocooned him during the wars.

That thought, and the reminder of what the Zero program had made him into had him breaking down and popping a single pill into his mouth. He didn't even bother with water as he swallowed the bitter medicine and took another deep breath. Inside the workroom, he could hear Duo's music blaring. Duo had only played music like that when he sought to hide from the world.

Sitting on the edge of the sofa, he cradled his head in his hands until he felt the pill begin to take effect. The minutes seemed to tick by far too slowly until he was finally able to gain control over himself. He still felt on edge, far too much to be completely comfortable, but within what he would term acceptable. His hand did not even shake as he pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled down to find a newly inserted number.

The line was picked up after only two rings. "Heero? Are you there? How is he?"

Heero barely had a moment to think as Hilde fired questions at him. "I'm here. He's...on the edge."

"What's that mean?"

He thought for a moment before answering. "It means that you almost waited too long to call me. He's standing on the edge of a building looking down at the pavement and preparing to jump."

He heard her breath catch through the connection. "You have to help him, Heero. He'll listen to you. Please, Heero, help him. He's my best friend."

It wasn't like he even considered denying the request. Already his mind had shifted ever so slightly back into old habits he had thought long dismissed. Or perhaps, they were just waiting for a challenge to bring them into light. Already his mind was creating scenarios and working through probabilities as if it was a computer. It wasn't remnants of the Zero system, not completely. It was simply the way he had been wired since childhood. Even the antipsychotic meds he was forced to take daily could not halt the lifetime of training he had received. He knew without any doubt that even if he had been lying on the ground bleeding, if he had heard of Duo needing help, he would have found the strength to reach Duo's side even if the act killed him.

"Heero?"

He took a breath and exhaled slowly before answering. "Mission Accepted."

Not waiting for her to respond, he ended the call and replaced the phone in his pocket. Glancing around the house, he took in the layers of dust and grime. Disorganization filled the space and finally his obsessiveness began to get the better of him. With Duo currently locked away from him in the figurative sense, he needed to do something to occupy his mind while he considered how to approach all future interactions with his mission subject.

Barely used cleaning supplies were quickly found hidden away in a closet in the laundry room. He took the bucket, cheap cleaning product that smelled a bit too strongly of pine, and mop in hand. Before long, the kitchen was coated in the scent of pine cleaner and looked considerably better.

The rhythmic movements of the mop in hand allowed his mind to wander. He thought back to his memories of Duo and compared him to the bitter and angry man he had met earlier. It was a crime to see such a brilliant soul brought to such a state. In a lot of ways, Duo had kept him and the others going when things were at their darkest. He always carried a smile, even if it was a mask put on to hide his thoughts. If Quatre had been the heart of their small group, Duo had been the soul.

Thinking of the chair, the anger he had not allowed himself to dwell on resurfaced. Up until now, his thoughts had been only on Duo, with only a passing thought to the man who had put him in that position. Now that his mind had free rein, it flowed over ways he could destroy the man. For someone of his talents, he could ruin the man and leave not a single shred of evidence leading back to him. That man would eventually pay for what he had done...though he would need to think on what he would do to him.

He poured out the dirty water into the sink and grabbed a cleaning cloth and furniture polish. The music in the workroom still blared and he fought the urge to poke his head in and check on Duo. The fear he had felt upon hearing of Duo's suicidal inclinations still ate away at him. The pill he had taken earlier numbed him enough that he was able to fight the urges rising. He would respect Duo's need for privacy for now.

He was wiping the last bit of dust from an unused mantle over a fireplace when his stomach grumbled loudly. A quick glance at his watch had his eyes widening. He had spent almost three hours cleaning. The kitchen and den were in considerably better shape than when he had arrived, but the house would still need a lot of work to appear livable.

As he strolled into the kitchen, he made a mental list of what would need to be done in the house. For now, he would focus on the more public areas and leave Duo's room for last. Maybe by that time, he would have drawn Duo from some of his depression.

Opening the refrigerator, he arched a brow at the empty space. There were a few bottles of condiments and a bottle of flat cola inside. The cabinets showed the same state of emptiness.

"What has he been eating?" he growled to himself.

He had noticed that Duo looked thin, far too thin if he wanted to be honest with himself. Hilde hadn't mentioned that he wasn't eating and he frowned to himself. He didn't want to leave the house, but considering the state of provisions, he would need to make a run to a local grocer for at least enough for dinner and breakfast.

He jerked out his phone and pulled up a map with local businesses marked. It was almost a mile to the nearest grocer. His mind was already calculating the time it would take to reach the business, purchase food, and then return with the bags. He would be gone for a while and that knowledge set off an annoyed tic beneath his eye.

Checking his pants for his wallet, he blew out a small puff of air before glancing at the door from which heavy rock blared with eardrum bursting sound. Leaving was necessary—an unavoidable requirement for his overall mission. If he walked at a brisk pace, he could make it to the store in ten minutes. Providing he was not required to spend an inconvenient amount of time searching for what he needed, he could be back to the house in less than forty-five minutes. It was an acceptable absence time.

Decision made, he strode determinedly from the house and down the block. He made it to the store in eight minutes—a smallish mom and pop sort of place with a single register and surprisingly fresh looking produce and meats. He was pleased with the selection offered despite the size of the establishment and quickly went about choosing from various meats, breads, and vegetables. He grabbed a package of bagels and some cream cheese for breakfast. Tomorrow, he promised himself to arrange for transportation to make a more satisfactory provision run or possibly call Hilde and have her bring food so he would not need to leave Duo alone.

The elderly woman at the register smiled sweetly at him and began to tally his purchases. He fought the urge to snap at her to hurry when the machine refused to scan one of the items he had chosen. He had fallen four minutes behind his allotted schedule and his obsessive quirks were beginning to affect him. His eyes darted around the shop and he found himself unable to stop his fingers from twitching against his leg as she finally gave him his total and he handed over a card.

With two heavy bags in hand, he practically ran down the sidewalk in an effort to recover the lost minutes. His face remained in a serious line and he cursed himself for giving into the obsessions he had once thought under control. It was of little use to tell himself that this grocery run was not a mission and that lives did not depend on him keeping exactly to the timetable he had initially created. He knew he would need another pill tonight or he would work his fingers to the bone because of the failure of doing so. And to think he had thought himself finally free of those damned anxiety pills.

His hands shook as he practically threw the grocery bags onto the counter beside the stove and his mind quickly provided another mission for him to undertake. Dinner preparation. At least he was pretty damn sure this one would be completed successfully.

* * *

Duo tossed aside a soldering tool and leaned back in his chair with a groan. He didn't have to glance at his watch to know it was time to urinate, if it could even be called that when he had to shove a tube up the end of his dick and into his bladder just to relieve the build-up of piss.

He glared at his watch. The device was probably about to go off any second and with a sigh, he killed the music and stretched his arms over his head, hearing the bones in his spine crack and stretch. His neck had a slight kink in it and there was a stiffness that came from remaining hunched over for several hours.

A grunt escaped him as he used his arms to shift his body in the chair. If he wasn't careful, he would end up with decubitus ulcers on his ass, not that he would feel it, but the thought of open sores bothered him.

As he shifted about, he thought about Heero. He glanced toward the closed door with a frown. It was highly unlikely that the other had left for good, even after having been thrown out of the room. If he had left, it would only be to regroup and return later. The man's life was one giant mission and failure wasn't an option. But, Duo had no intention of letting Heero dictate the way he would live.

Rolling his chair toward the exit, he opened the door and was slammed with the delicious smell of cooking meat and vegetables. His stomach actually rumbled at the spicy scent wafting through the air. He could not recall the last time he had even wanted to eat, let alone smelled something that good.

"Damn it, Heero," he growled to himself and shoved himself down the hall toward his room.

The bathroom was quite large, with a low sink. He probably wouldn't have bothered washing his hands, but he'd had a urinary tract infection several months back and it was more trouble than it was worth. The doctor had said if he didn't take care to protect himself, they would insert a permanent catheter. Duo had told him they would do it over his dead body. He had fought tooth and nail to keep from having a colostomy bag inserted; he sure as hell did not want a urinary one.

After washing his hands, he pulled a sterile pouch from beneath the sink and opened it before pulling sterile gloves on his hands. Taking his limp dick in one hand, he inserted the lubricated end of the catheter up his dick with a visible wince. He didn't feel it, but damn if it didn't creep the hell out of him.

He sighed when the yellow urine began working its way down the tube and into the bag. What he wouldn't give to just be able to pee without having to shove something up his dick, even if he had to do it sitting down.

He removed the bag and poured the contents in the toilet before flushing and washing his hands. He wouldn't have to bother with trying to shit for a couple of hours. He ran a finger into the cottony material of the adult diaper to check for moisture before adjusting them and the lounge pants he wore and rolling in the direction of food.

Seeing Heero in front of the stove seemed ridiculously out of place. During the war, Trowa and Quatre had done most of the cooking. He wasn't sure he had ever seen Heero cook during those days.

"And here I thought you lived off protein rations and water." He almost slapped himself at the comment that had escaped unbidden from his lips.

Heero turned and arched a brow. "There was no need after the war was over."

"You're a fucking creature of habit. The war being over wouldn't have mattered."

A low rumbling laugh escaped Heero as he moved to place a steaming boil of stir fry on the table. Duo looked over the meal dumbly, taking in the steamed rice, beef stir fry, and chopped fruit. "I'm pretty damn sure I didn't have all that stuff."

"You didn't have much of anything," growled Heero. "You're not taking care of yourself."

"And what's it to you?" retorted Duo.

Heero's glare faded from his face, but his lips remained a thin line. It was obvious he was not going to answer the question. Not that Duo wanted him to. He was too afraid to hear the answer.

Heero took a few plates from the cabinet and sat them on the table beside some flatware. "Eat."

"God, when did you start channeling Quatre?" he grumbled.

"Just be glad I didn't call him."

Duo paled at the thought. Quatre was probably pissed enough at him for avoiding contact for so long, if he found out about the accident, he did not even want to think about the ass-kicking he would receive from his old friend. It shamed him to think that he had pushed away the only people who could really understand how his mind worked, but when he had left them at the end of the last war, he had severed all ties for the sake of his own sanity.

"Do you talk with the others often?" he winced at the sound of his voice, unable to deny the hunger he felt for news of them. The most he knew was that Quatre was still king of the world with his company. It was hard to even walk down the street without seeing something related to WEI.

"Some. Quatre is getting married in the fall."

Duo snorted. "To Trowa?"

Heero blinked gave a small chuckle. "Quatre and Trowa aren't like that."

"Could have fooled me," he grumbled as he took a bite of the food and blinked in surprise at the burst of flavors across his tongue. He actually had to fight against the urge to shove as much food as he could into his mouth, likely making himself sick in the process.

Heero smirked and shrugged. "They are just friends."

"Right," he drawled. "What about the others?"

"Trowa is working as an engineer for Quatre, but I don't know specifics."

That actually surprised Duo. "Come again? What happened to the circus bit?"

"That was never a long term option for him."

"I just never pictured him as that sort. I always figured if he ever retired from circus life that he would find a farm and raise goats or something."

Heero choked on the water he was drinking. "Goats?"

"What? You have a problem with goats?"

Heero shook his head and Duo gave a small snicker. It felt nice to talk like this. For a brief moment, he forgot about his injury or about the frustrations created simply by living. The years faded away and he was simply having dinner with a friend.

"I assume Wufei is still with the Preventers."

"Of course."

"Figures. Does he still carry around the sword?"

Heero shook his head. "It's against regulations to carry unsanctioned weapons."

That actually earned a laugh. "I bet he just loves that."

Duo fiddled with his fork, pushing around the food on his plate before speaking again when silence stretched between them. "They don't know, do they? About me, I mean."

"They don't."

"Good. Don't tell them. I'd rather them not see me like this."

Heero frowned and leaned forward. "Duo..."

"Don't say it. Don't say there is nothing wrong with me and that it's still me...because it's not. I don't even feel the same. So please, don't insult me by saying that it wouldn't matter, because it does matter. It matters to me." Duo slammed his fist onto the table, rattling the plates and bowls.

Without saying another word, he turned his attention back to the food. The delicious dish had suddenly turned to sawdust in his mouth and he had to fight just to swallow down the bites. He didn't stop until he was sure he had eaten enough to keep Heero off his back. He'd have had to be blind not to notice the way he eyed his plate, as if calculating the amount of calories he ingested.

Judging that he had eaten enough, he pushed back from the table and twisted his chair toward the hall. "I'm not going to bother telling you to leave because it's obvious you're not going to do it, but leave me the hell alone. I'm tired and I just want to sleep."

He didn't wait for Heero to respond before he began rolling down the hall to begin the long task of preparing for bed. The ache in his chest quadrupled in potency as it cried out at having what it had wanted dangled so close and being forever denied it. He had never wanted to die more than he did in that moment.

**AN:** Thank you to the people who read and/or reviewed the previous chapter. It was much appreciated. It's actually really hard to write because of both of them having their demons to overcome. It's been a challenge but I hope everyone enjoys it. It feels like forever since I've had the chance or inclination to write a multi-chapter story for just myself.

Also, in GW fandom, you see Heero saying "Mission Accepted" quite often. Generally when something like that happens in a fandom, it annoys me...but with GW and Heero, it's almost a kink for me. I freaking love it. So...you know I had to use it haha. And I know a lot of people love Trowa and Quatre together, but I find it unrealistic that all the gundam guys would be gay for each other...with Wufei being the odd man out more often than not XD. So, in this story, the only gay loving that will happen will be with Heero and Duo. All the others are straight with their own relationships. The others will show up eventually, but not for a long while.

As always, feel free to comment. I do love hearing from my readers. Oh, and as a side note, let me know if you see anything weird with the format. I had some issue with copy/paste when I was submitting this and it deleting whole sentences and parts of sentences.


	3. Chapter 3

Duo blinked awake and released a low groan. Waking up was the worst, even more so than living with his reality. When he dreamed, everything was forgotten. He was not confined to a chair and he could feel sensations in every part of his body. He could fuck and feel the sensations of pleasure skirting along every nerve ending. He could run and play basketball and live without any worry or care, just as he always had before the accident. Dreams were his relief and his torture.

Until the dreams faded away.

Waking up was like the day after the twelve hours of surgery when the doctors had repaired what they could. His crusty eyes had cleared enough to settle on Hilde's tear-streaked face. He had seen her expression and had known, even before the doctor came into the room and described in barely understandable medical terms how his life was going to change after having his spine severed below T9 vertebrae. The reason he did not feel as much pain as he expected was not because of the really awesome narcotics being pumped into him.

Some guy Hilde had hired when the scrap yard expanded had come to work drunk. Or rather, he had come to work without having sobered from the previous night of drinking. Whatever the case, his reaction times were skewed and he lost control of the forklift he was driving, plowing into him.

The pain of the accident had been unlike anything he had ever felt, and then there was nothing. The lawyers had gotten involved and settlements were reached. The law had given the man a slap on the wrist, but Duo hadn't been in any situation to exact revenge on the one who had caused the accident. And after he had healed from the surgery, he had been too focused on his recovery. He let the lawyers and Hilde handle anything to do with settling. The guy's money had paid for the renovations on his house and his medical expenses. He'd had bigger concerns even if it seemed as if the guy got off a little too easily for the pain he had caused.

His life hadn't been so bad after the initial shock of what had happened to him wore off. There had been hope then and all he cared about was overcoming this speed bump. He had thrown himself into physical therapy. His good health and strong body had helped and he had learned how to maneuver himself, always telling his therapists or Hilde that he would beat this and walk again, even if it took years. It would just take a lot of work. Duo Maxwell had determination, enough to make up for what he lacked in patience.

How naive he had been. There is no moment more excruciating than when hope dies. It's like killing a unicorn, if such things existed. It doesn't come all in one moment, but in a series of events until the last straw floats to the horses back and the world suddenly crashes down. That was what he felt every morning as he woke to find himself staring at the bland ceiling and the equipment he needed in order to even pull himself out of bed.

Heaving a breath, he clenched his fingers into the sheets. He wanted it all to end, even if it was the coward's way. He had never claimed to be overly brave, anyway. The shadows had always been his refuge and no one who claimed bravery as a trait hid in them. Heero was an obvious example. That bastard might have used guerrilla tactics, just like the rest of them, but he never really seemed to fade into the shadows as easily as the others. Hell, that idiot was going to blow himself up on more occasions than was legally sane. Self-destruction was definitely not a shadow dweller's action.

Heero.

As the last vestiges of sleep cleared from his mind, he recalled the previous day and Heero's presence in his home. He'd even cleaned up. Duo cursed Hilde for calling him of all people. Quatre would have been better than Heero, even if he would have been forced to deal with his old friend's more caring tendencies.

Quatre didn't necessarily mother the other pilots as it seemed at first glance. He was a tactician and knew that the mental and physical health of his fellow terrorists was important if they were to complete their duties. He cared, there was no denying it, but he was also just as soaked in blood as everyone else. It was just he was able to show cared just a little more openly and that made him stand apart from the others. When Quatre Raberba Winner called someone a friend, it was for life—regardless of distance or time.

Closing his eyes, Duo gave a short huffing of breath before pressing a button on the adjustable bed, raising himself into a near sitting position. He grabbed the clothes he had picked out the night before and tugged the tee-shirt over his head before pressing a hand into the diaper. They called them various names, but it all came down to adult diaper.

Wincing at the wetness he felt, he reached to the side of the peach colored material and ripped them. It was easier to remove that way rather than tugging them down his legs. They were disposable.  
He grabbed a spare he always kept for just such occasions when his bladder contracted and he pissed himself. It was better than the urine backing up into his kidneys. He had enough trouble with his body, the last thing he needed was kidney trouble. If he was going to die, it wasn't going to be as a result of not peeing enough. Death would be on his terms.

Reaching down, he grabbed a leg and shifted it until it dangled on the side of the bed. The other moved just as limply. Using the bar above his bed, he struggled to shift himself into a suitable position. He then stacked a few special foam pillows around himself to support his body as he used his arms to lift one leg and then the other, pulling the diaper and his chosen lounge pants up to his knees. He was nearly out of breath and only partially dressed.

Already twenty minutes had passed since he had awoken. Before the accident, he would have already showered, dressed, and be well on the way into breakfast. Now, he was lucky to be finished dressing in thirty, not including other things such as catherizing himself.

He was struggling to tug the diaper and pants up over his hip when a knock sounded on the door. "Duo? Are you awake?"

He considered ignoring the question. But that bastard probably heard him grunting and moving about. It was stupid to deny. He closed his eyes and lifted a hand to rub the bridge of his nose. "I'm awake."

"Do you need any help?"

Duo's eyes flew open and anger pulsed through him. It was the same anger he felt when he saw the pity in the eyes of strangers or the overly helpful people who didn't think he could wipe his own ass without someone there to help. "No," he shouted. "I don't need any fucking help."

He was not sure what he expected the response to be. There was a pause. "Alright. I have bagels and cream cheese when you're ready for breakfast. There's also some leftover fruit from last night."

The sound of footsteps drifted away and he blinked dumbly. Heero didn't sound even the least bit fazed by the snapping response. He could almost see in his mind his old comrade shrugging his shoulders and disappearing back into the kitchen as he always had during the war when he was sent to collect others for the few meals they shared. Then again, Heero had never let that sort of response alter him from his task. Quatre would have tried to reason and possibly even burst in uninvited, but not Heero. As long as it did not interfere with his mission, he really never seemed to care about anything else.

But, this Heero seemed different. He had mellowed. His eyes were more expressive and there was a faint softness to his voice. It was still possessed that same nasally arrogant sound, but there was something underlying it—something he could not quite put his finger on.

Giving a final grunt, he lay back on the bed, as dressed as he was going to get. He took a moment to catch his breath before moving to the chair.

His arms shook slightly as he used them to transfer his body to the chair. In the beginning, it had been a much easier task, but he had lost muscle mass over time and his strength had waned. A small voice in his brain accused him of starving himself, which he shoved away. It wasn't that he was starving himself on purpose, he just never felt like eating anymore.

Checking the position of his legs, he steeled himself and gave a firm push toward the closed door. He shook his head as he passed through the living room. Other than the floor being in serious need of a vacuuming, every speck of dust had been removed. The boxes of odds and ends were stacked neatly in a corner and even the windows were wiped down. Some of the knick-knacks on a small shelf that Hilde had installed when she still lived with him were organized and he was pretty damn sure they had been adjusted into order from smallest to largest. Since when had Heero Yuy cared so much about the neatness of a house or the organization of its contents? Sure, the guy had always been neat about his stuff, but he hadn't seemed to care if the others were not as organized as him.

"The bagels are on the counter in the kitchen," said Heero calmly as he walked into the room wearing a dark blue tee-shirt and loose jeans. It was a definite change from spandex shorts and green muscle shirts. And suited him.

"Why are you still here?"

"I thought I made my thoughts obvious. I'm staying with you for a while." Heero set about pulling books from several boxes not stacked off to the side. "You're not taking care of yourself and I've been tasked with making sure that you don't do something stupid."

"So, you're my live-in nanny now?"

"Not really. I'm not going to be wiping your ass or bathing you." Heero looked up from reading the blurb on the back of some mystery novel. "If you require my help I'll give it."

"Then why are you cleaning my fucking house?" snapped Duo.

Heero smiled in that arrogant manner he always had when not laughing insanely. "I refuse to live in squalor and since I will be here until I deem you ready, I'm going to clean house."

"Since when do you care? You never seemed to mind during the war."

He received a snort at the comment. "There were more important things to deal with during the wars other than the neatness of our living quarters. We were lucky to have roofs over our head during those days. Cleaning was the last thing on my mind."

Duo narrowed his eyes at Heero. He couldn't really put his finger on it, but it felt almost to be an evasion. Heero never evaded, he answered directly and to the point. It wasn't an obvious evasion, but it didn't feel like the whole truth. Against his will, his curiosity was piqued.

"I guess," he mumbled and rolled past Heero into the kitchen. True to Heero's words, there were bagels, cream cheese, a small container of jam, and cut fruit waiting for him. To his surprise, he was actually hungry and finished off almost an entire bagel and a few bits of fruit.

As he was rolling out of the kitchen, he saw Heero pull out a vacuum and begin pushing the machine along the carpeting. It didn't do much at getting the area clean, much to what looked like Heero's frustration. He had to chuckle at the look wrinkling Heero's face as he went over a particularly dirty spot several times.

"Having fun?"

Heero glanced up with a glare and shut down the machine. "This thing does not work up to advertised standards."

"It's just the way L-2 is. The dirt and grease is in the air, and no amount of filters can completely clean it. You don't find carpeting often on L-2. When I first moved here, I bought the house because of the carpet. I swore I would never deal with cold feet again when getting out of bed. I guess now it doesn't matter." He dropped his gaze to his worthless legs with a frown.

"It matters if you like it."

Duo shrugged. "It's thick and a pain to push my chair across."

"We can do some renovating on the house if you want. I don't have any sort of timetable to when I need to return to work."

Duo stared at him. "Are you fucking planning on moving in?"

"I'm not leaving soon, if that's what you meant."

"Even if I asked you to?"

Heero shook his head. "Not even then."

He stared at Heero and rolled his eyes skyward. "I don't know what's gotten into you or why you're even bothering. Can't you get it through your head that I want to be left alone?"

"That is...unacceptable. I won't leave until I know you are well."

Duo's eyes met Heero's gaze. "Newsflash, I'm not going to get better."

"Your spinal injury does not figure into my statement. I was not presuming you would heal from such a wound, but merely stating what I know to be true."

"And what's that?" he ground out.

"That you are not well and I will stay until you are." Heero took a step forward and then another. "You should have called me before now. It should have been you and not Hilde."

Duo's breath caught in his chest and his hands clenched on the armrests of his chair. "It wasn't any of your business."

Heero's eyes flickered and he stopped his advance. "Perhaps not, but I've made it my business now. I'm not leaving."

Duo sighed and turned his chair toward the hall and his waiting workroom. "Fine, whatever. Not like you ever listened to me."

"Duo?"

He paused and glanced over his shoulder. "What?"

"What do you want to do with the carpet?"

Staring at the matted carpeting beneath the wheels of his chair, he felt a rush of anger mixed liberally with regret. The carpeting was the only part of the house he had not changed to fit his new life in a wheelchair. It was linked to the hope he'd had and was now a bitter reminder of what had been and who he had been. Just looking at it caused bitterness to spread across his tongue.

"Do whatever you want. I don't give a fuck." With that, he pushed himself toward his study and slammed the door. All he cared about was losing himself in the music he played and rebuilding the computer he had totaled. Maybe if he kept locked away, Heero would grow tired of whatever was keeping him here and leave. He doubted it, but a guy could hope. If Heero stayed much longer he would end up breaking down in front of him and revealing the bottled up emotions he never seemed capable of dispelling. His feelings for Heero were what had ultimately severed the relationship with Hilde and he considered himself lucky that their friendship had not died along with their romance. When it was boiled down to its core, Hilde was always a replacement for Heero.

Turning up the music, he closed his eyes and let the thrumming sounds of the base and the rhythmic beat of the percussion block out his thoughts. When he felt like he did in that moment, only the music helped. 

* * *

Heero stared at the closed door of Duo's workroom. It took all he had in him not to force Duo away from that room. He wanted to yell at him that staying locked away inside that room was not helping him. Duo was stubborn. He wouldn't listen to reason when he was set in ways. He wasn't like him in that way.

He was always the one who resided in reason and truth. The others had their own ways of understanding and reasoning out truth. During the war, Heero had been the figurehead for their little band of terrorists. OZ had always assumed 01 was the leader, when in fact, Quatre was more of a leader than he. The young blond's mind had worked at least five moves ahead of the current situation. To him, the war was like a chess game and he had to think of more than just the next attack or the next safe house. If not for Quatre, none of them would have lived to see the end of conflict. Everyone had always turned to him and placed their lives in his hands.

He hadn't minded how easily Quatre had assumed the role. It freed him from the task. He had always worked more as a lone wolf until Duo barreled into his comfort zone and pushed him beyond what he thought was possible—emotionally and otherwise. The others followed, but Duo was the first to make him feel human. He only wished he had understood the emotions running through him back then.

Dr. J had always told him he felt too deeply during his training and that they needed to overcome that in order for his mission to succeed. They had spent an excess amount of time helping him push back those emotions in order to do what needed to be done. The world was about to be plunged into chaos and emotions would only be a hindrance. Giving up a little piece of his humanity for the greater good seemed a small price to pay. Only, he had not calculated on surviving one war, let alone two; and as such, was left to acclimate himself in a world that he no longer understood.

His training and the Zero program had done a number on his psyche. Daily anti-psychotics and as needed anxiety medications helped, but they didn't completely alleviate the symptoms of his PTSD and the remnants of Zero. The doctors explained that being able to function in society was the most he could hope for considering the tatters his mind was left in. He would never be what could be termed as normal even if he could pass for such. It was why he refused to work in the field for the Preventers. He had worked so hard to get to where he was emotionally and mentally. To go back to tamping down his emotions so to make him the mindless killer he was during the wars was not something he could live with any longer. Wufei understood and kept the higher ups in the Preventers from throwing around their weight and forcing him into something he could no longer bear to do. He would disappear from the world if they tried.

Tightening his hand into a fist, he growled low in his throat. Being with Duo was bringing back the memories he had tried so hard to suppress. It was a doubled edged blade that cut with razor sharpness but was worth the pain. He should not have ignored his therapist when he said that pushing back the memories would only be detrimental later on. If he did not get a handle on his emotions, he would be no help to Duo. Duo was his only concern.

His phone chimed and he answered without even glancing at the caller ID, assuming it was Hilde again. "Yuy."

"How are things on the L-2 cluster?"

He blinked in surprise. "How did you know I was on L-2, Chang?"

A faint chuckle reached his ear and he smiled despite himself. "You didn't exactly hide yourself. All I had to do was pull up the passenger manifests for all the shuttle lines and do a search for your name. I'll admit I wasn't expecting you to use your real name."

"Technically, Heero Yuy is only a handle."

"Technically, my ass. We both know you legally registered under that name. As far as the government is concerned, Heero Yuy is your name."

Heero smiled. "Why are you calling, Wufei?"

"I'm curious why you felt the urge to take an extended vacation, particularly so when you were in the middle of a cyber-investigation."

"My reasons are my own," he answered blandly.

"Yuy..."

Heero released a breath. "I'm visiting, Duo."

"Maxwell? I didn't realize you were still in contact with him. I haven't heard from him in nearly a decade." Wufei paused and when Heero did not respond, his voice grew sharp. "Has something happened, Yuy?"

Heero's mind shot out various outcomes from this conversation. The remnants of the Zero program unable to keep from working out as many possibilities in search of the optimal end. He rubbed his brow and nearly groaned at the mental overload washing over him.

"Yuy? If you don't tell me, I'm going come up there."

"No," he nearly shouted into the phone and winced at the shocked silence that resulted. "I'm fine. Duo..."

"What about Maxwell? I may not care for the little shit's personality, but I do care if he's in trouble. Don't make me use my badge to get the information I want."

Heero smiled at Wufei's tone. Wufei was just as loyal as Quatre, though he hid it well beneath his gruff personality. As annoying as Duo was to Wufei during their time together, he cared enough to be willing to drop everything if his aid was needed. His honor would allow nothing less.

"Yuy..."

"Duo was hurt a while back at work. An employee came to work drunk and there was an accident. He's paralyzed from the waist down. I've hacked his medical records..."

"Don't tell me that, Yuy," snapped Wufei.

He could practically here his comrade and friend running his fingers through his hair. "I'm with Duo because he's not well. I'm going to stay with him until I am satisfied he won't do something stupid."

"This is Maxwell we're talking about," grumbled Wufei. "Listen, I have some leave time coming up, I can..."

"Don't come. Duo isn't ready to face anyone. If you showed up, it might damage him more than help."

"Yuy, you're asking me to sit and do nothing."

"No, I'm asking you to be patient. I'm going to help him, but I need space and freedom to do so."

Wufei sighed in his ear. "Fine. What about that drunk who injured Duo?"

"I used my Preventer access to read the case file. It was handled by one of the outset Preventer agents. It's not surprising that neither of us heard of it. The courts reviewed it quickly. A deal was struck and the man escaped with a misdemeanor record. The court records are sealed concerning any settlements made. I didn't bother hacking them, I doubt it was anything more than would be expected in such cases."

"Justice isn't always fair."

Heero snorted. "Justice is rarely what it claims to be."

"I don't like the sound of your voice. What are you planning?" edged Wufei.

Heero snorted, eyes scanning the room for the best way to begin pulling up the carpeting. "I won't kill the man, if that's what you're worried about."

"Why don't I believe you? You've always been a little more invested where Maxwell was concerned. Promise me you won't assault the man who caused his injuries. I don't want to be tasked with arresting you."

"I would be gone before you even had a chance."

"And Maxwell?"

"I'll take him with me."

He could practically hear Wufei rolling his eyes. "Just don't do anything stupid. I'd expect it from Maxwell, but not you."

"I never act stupidly."

"I'll hold you to it. Keep me updated on Maxwell's progress."

"I will." Heero paused before ending the call. "Wufei...don't tell Quatre."

"I'll try, but you know keeping something from Quatre is hard when in close proximity. I've got a meeting with him in a month. He'll sense something is going on, and you know how he gets."

"Just try to keep him away. Duo is very fragile emotionally. I want to do this right."

He could hear the wheels turning in Wufei's head. "You're in l..."

Heero ended the call and slipped the phone back into his pocket. He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. Wufei wouldn't tell anyone. Duo's accident was a matter of public record, but unless actively searching for him, it would be lost in a sea of thousands. They had all become used to Duo's absence. None of them would actively search for him unless something was brought to their attention.

But, it was only a matter of time before the others came. Wufei would stay away until invited, but if he was meeting with Quatre, the secret would be as good as revealed. Quatre could read all of them without even trying if they were in close proximity. He would sense something was bothering Wufei and like dog with a bone, not give up until the truth was laid out before him. He might not be able to read minds, but he could read hearts and Duo was a distinct part of all of them.

A month. He hoped it would be enough time to strengthen Duo's sense of self-worth. It would have to be enough time.

**AN:** Just a little note before people become too invested in the story. Duo will never walk again. There will be no miraculous recovery. That's just the way it is. If you want to have your own head canon about what's going on, that's your choice, but at the end of this story, Duo will still be in the chair. And, as I'm sure you guys will be happy to know, the other pilots will be making entrances at some point, but not until later. Wufei made a small entrance. As always, comments are always welcome. Thank you all who have commented.

To the guest who left a comment: Sorry about no Trowa/Quatra, I love them, I really do, but I prefer to keep things more realistic. It's just the way I roll. Trowa is probably my all time favorite character and he get so little love.


	4. Chapter 4

Heero was ripping up carpet, and glad of it. He liked walking on soft carpeting as much as the next person, but in the L-2 cluster, it was a foolish luxury. Cleaning carpet on a salvage cluster was a nightmare and something he was glad he would not have to do in the future. The dark grease stains he'd found were setting off his need to scrub until his hands were raw and the fibers pristine. He started his task in the small living area, pushing aside the few bits of mismatched furniture, something else that set him off, if only slightly less viciously. Almost as soon as he ended the call with Wufei, he began the process of ripping up the offending flooring, only to be shockingly pleased at what he found below. His brows shot into his hairline and he tugged more just to be certain of what he was seeing extended more than just a few feet.

Real hardwood flooring.

It was in need of a sanding and waxing, but the dark wood flooring had the potential to be quite attractive with the proper care. Whomever Duo had bought the house from was an idiot to choose carpeting over repairing something that was even more rare on L-2. Wood was like any luxury and could only be imported from Earth. That made it an expensive building material. Nearly all houses and buildings on the majority of the colonies were made of metal or artificial materials. Wood was a luxury few could afford, particularly after the wars when most money was put into recovery and restructuring.

He wiped sweat from his brow and gave another tug at the carpet, pulling it up and rolling it as he went. The sound of Duo's music was the only sound he could hear from the workroom. He thought of Hilde's fear of Duo's suicidal tendencies, but very much doubted he would off himself with someone in his house. Suicide was not generally something one did with an audience.

With one final shove, he finished clearing the floor. Satisfaction rushed through him as he stared at the smooth slates of the wooden floor. The manual work was more than about making the space easier for Duo to navigate; it was also about providing Heero with something to do to keep his mind from drifting back into old habits.

The way he was in the past was like an itch in the back of his skull. It would take little effort to revert into those dark ways. The small quirks he had as a result of his life were bad enough. He'd already felt the residual traces of Zero affecting him and fighting it was futile. Without his work at the Preventers to keep him occupied, he turned his frustrations outward and into helping Duo as best he could until he could earn his friend's trust once more.

Giving one final shove to the giant roll of worn carpeting, he slumped on the floor with a sigh and leaned his head against the wall. He closed his eyes and allowed the pulsing beat work through him. Duo's music was not the sort he generally cared to play for his own enjoyment, but it did in many ways represent Duo and as a result, he felt a sense of contentment as he listened to the heavy sounds of the bass and the gritty story told by the lyrics.

He had so little time to help Duo before the inevitable dam broke. Wufei would end up breaking under Quatre's interrogation. Even the most stalwart of them would stand no chance when Quatre Winner wanted to know something. And when Quatre found out about Duo, it would only be a matter of time before he descended upon them.

In some ways, Quatre was a control freak. And if one cog in his emotional machine was pushed out of place, he would do whatever he could to return it to proper working order, even if it was not to the benefit of any but himself. And even if he did not wish it, Duo was one of many cogs that Quatre considered his. He was so much more heavily invested in his friendships with those he had come to consider as family.

Heero was a bit surprised that Quatre had not kept a closer eye on Duo, but their old friend was not a complete asshole despite being a bit on the spoiled side. If Duo had pushed him away, he would have honored his wishes and kept his distance, probably only doing periodic checks. Even time would not change how Quatre felt toward any of them.

Taking a swallow of water from a bottle, he sighed before hefting himself to his feet and dragging the large roll of carpeting toward the front door and down the steps to the road where a disposal service would pick it up sometime during the early hours of the morning. He would tackle the other rooms later. For now, he needed to access what would be needed to bring life back into the faded wood.

His mind danced about as it calculated the supplies needed. As he was debating between manual sanding and buying a machine, an idea sparked in his head. He had researched the emotional toll a spinal injury had on a person and the most common was feelings of worthlessness. Without his legs, Duo was limited in what he could accomplish and that probably left such feelings room to fester. For someone like Duo, who ignored all limitations, it probably burned worse than anything.

The only possible problem with his idea was actually getting Duo to cooperate. He was at a crucial stage in his life when he could fall either way. Heero was determined for him to choose life, because he did not want to imagine a world without Duo. He had lived these past ten years content with the thought that Duo was out there somewhere, even if he was not by his side. If he was dead...

He shook his head and turned his glare inward. That was not an option. Failure was never an option when he took on a mission. Dr. J had instilled that into him to such a degree that no amount of medication or therapy could stop him from completing a task when he took it on. It was one of the many parts of his psychosis that the doctors had never been able to work out of him. It forced him to be cautious on the missions he accepted at the Preventers and in his life. Failure could very well trigger a breakdown. Wufei was aware of this and arranged it with their superiors for Heero to have full refusal rights for any mission assigned him by the higher ups.

He turned his gaze to the neglected flooring. To get this project underway, he would need to leave for supplies and unlike with quick trips to the grocer, a trip to a store for home repair would not be a short trip. And he was unwilling to leave Duo alone for any extended period until he could fully understand the depths of his depression. His jaw clenched and he shifted on his heels with a firm mask now placed on his face.

Duo would simply have to go with him.

He didn't even bother to knock as he opened the door to the workroom. Duo was hunched over a mainframe with an intense expression plastered on his face. The heat from the sodding iron had caused sweat to sheen on his temples and even a few droplets to trickle down his cheek. The music had shifted from a hard rock anthem to a slow ballad that seemed almost out of place on the playlist.

"Duo," he called from the door.

Duo heard him, he was certain in the way his shoulders stiffened and his jaw clenched. He didn't acknowledge him, not that he expected him to. The self-proclaimed God of Death always was a bit on the stubborn side.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me."

Duo threw down the tools and glared at him. "What?"

"I'd like to show you something that I found."

"And it couldn't wait until I was finished?"

Heero shrugged and backed out of the room. He could feel the glare of Duo's eyes as he rolled his chair toward the door and into the room. A low thump spoke when the wheels moved from old carpet onto hardwood flooring.

"Did you know you have hardwood floors?"

Duo blinked for a moment before shrugging. "So? You pulled up my carpet. Whoop-di-do. "

"This could be a nice space with some work."

A roll of eyes was all Heero received before Duo moved to twist his chair around. "Do whatever you want."

That attitude was not what he was going to allow and his hand shot forward to latch onto the back of Duo's chair. "I think you should help me restore it."

"Fuck what you think. Do I look like I'm in any shape to restore anything?"

Heero arched a brow and using both hands on the handles, he pulled Duo out of the doorway and pushed him toward the front door. The shocked surprise on Duo wore off quickly and his hands grappled at the wheels in an effort to stop the movement. "What the hell are you doing?"

"We're going to go shopping."

"I don't want to go shopping," growled Duo.

"It wasn't a request."

Despite the force Duo exhibited in trying to keep them from exiting the house. His hands were no defense against Heero's strength and advantage. "Stop!"

Heero paused at the front door. "When was the last time you went outside?"

Duo glared viciously at him. The fire in his eyes was more than he had seen in Duo since he arrived and he almost smiled at the force. That was a glimpse of the Deathscythe pilot he remembered. Using kid gloves with Duo was an exercise in futility. It was probably why Hilde had failed before calling him. Duo needed to be forced to listen.

"We're going." Heero took the handles again and pushed Duo out into the artificial lighting of the colony. All the colonies were set on a 'day' and 'night' rotation, much like Earth. It was found in the early days of the colonization of space that humans and animals did noticeably better when there were introduced to environments similar to Earth. Many scientists hypothesized that it had to do with the natural circadian rhythm that millennia living on earth had instilled into the life living there. Dr. J had been intrigued by it as well and had used Heero as a sort of test specimen for experiments when they coincided with certain parts of his training. It had not bothered him to be treated as such, because by that time, nearly all emotion had been shoved into the back of his mind. Only the mission had mattered and if his participation in certain deviants of research made him a better soldier, it was all the better.

He bit back a grimace and forced his thoughts from the past. His focus needed to be on Duo and bringing him away from the edge. As they wheeled down the ramp, he paused beside a green pick-up. The rental agency had delivered it that morning and it would serve his needs far better than a smaller car.

"What is that?"

Heero glanced down at Duo. "My rental."

"God...I never thought I'd see that color again. Tell me you did not pick it."

A glance back at the color brought a frown to his lips. "I did not choose what vehicle they brought. What's wrong with the color?"

Duo sent an incredulous glance up at him before placing a hand over his eyes and laughing. "Are you blind? That truck is the same color as those awful shirts you used to wear."

He frowned at Duo's comment and gave a closer inspection of the truck's paint. "I suppose the color is similar."

"Similar? It's a dead ringer. You'd have to be color blind not to see it. Of all the shades of green in the universe, that has to be the absolute ugliest. Why the hell you wore it so often is a mystery to me."

Heero returned a glare toward Duo. "My clothes during the war were chosen for their strategic use. We were fighting on Earth and if I needed to hide in the forest, they provided me with a bit of camouflage but were not military in style so that I could blend into a crowd if need be."

"Did you just make that up to cover up your lack of style? What about those yellow shoes? Don't tell me those were so hunters wouldn't shoot you."

Heero ignored him and pushed the wheelchair around to the passenger side before opening the door and kneeling beside Duo. "You'll have to put your arms around me so I can lift you easily."

The slight bit of humor exposed by their short walk down memory lane evaporated from Duo's face. "I said I'm not going."

"I did not give you a choice. Either by choice or by force, I'm putting you in this car," he stated firmly.

"Fuck you," snapped Duo in response.

Arguing was pointless, so he slipped his hands beneath Duo's legs and inserted an arm behind his back before lifting him up bridal style. Duo was practically fuming as he was lifted.

"Put me down, you asshole."

Heero simply grunted and used his leg to roll the chair out of the way. It was a bit worrisome at how light Duo was in his arms. There were times during the war when they had been forced to carry each other and he was certain Duo had weighed quite a bit more during those times. He made a mental note to be more forceful about mealtimes as he carefully sat Duo on the front seat. It only took a moment to fold Duo's wheelchair and lift it onto the bed of the truck.

As he slid into the driver's seat, he could practically feel Duo's anger. He hated playing the bad guy to him, but if it turned his anger outward instead of inward, he considered his mission successful—at least partially.

"Buckle up."

"Fuck you."

Heero shifted and stared at Duo. He forced his face into a blank mask. "Stop acting like a child or I'll treat you like one."

A battle waged on between their gazes. Duo violently fought against Heero's calm demeanor until he growled a few choice words under his breath and jerked the buckle around his body and into the slot. He glared angrily out the window but said no more as Heero drove down the street.

The silence was finally broken when Duo finally glanced at him. "Where are we going?"

"To somewhere I can find supplies to repair the hardwood on your floors."

Duo huffed out a breath and turned his gaze out to the passing buildings. The silence returned for another few minutes before he spoke again. "Do you even know where you're going?"

"I have directions on my phone."

"You actually trust internet directions?"

Heero sighed and slowed for a traffic light. "Do you have a better idea?"

Duo sighed dramatically and pointed to the right. "Turn here."

Doing as Duo requested, he moved the vehicle into the next lane and followed the road down to another intersection where again Duo had him turning. The only dialogue offered was the occasional direction to turn until they reached a small hardware store. It was a bit on the rundown side and had definitely seen better days. It definitely was not somewhere Heero would have thought to use.

"This isn't one of those huge chain places, but they're honest and they only carry quality items. I figured you would appreciate that since you're Mr. Perfect," grumbled Duo, almost too low for him to hear.

Heero smiled and slid out of the car, taking Duo's chair from the back and opening the passenger door. When he reached for Duo, his hands were slapped away. "I can do it."

Duo's arms shook a little as he lowered himself into a sitting position on the floorboard of the truck cab and then onto the chair. He looked to be out of breath by the time he was situated but didn't spare Heero a glance as he shoved his way across the parking area and up the ramp that led into the store.

Heero followed behind him and the smell of metal and paint assaulted his nose as he entered. It was different from the hardware stores on Earth where the scent of lumber immediately filled the air. Few could afford wood on the colonies and stores rarely carried it as a result.

A young man wearing a red apron immediately descended on them. "Can I help you with anything?"

Heero ignored the stare that Duo earned and pulled the kid's attention to himself. "We need sandpaper, quite a bit of it, wax sealer for wooden flooring, nails, and a hammer."

The employee blinked dumbly at Heero, earning an ever darkening scowl. "Uh...the nails, hammer, and sandpaper we have, but we'll have to order the sealer from Earth. It's pretty expensive."

Heero ignored the comment and glanced around the store. "Do you sell drapes?"

Duo glanced up. "What the hell is wrong with my drapes?"

The kid nodded. "Down that aisle."

Heero nodded and started down the aforementioned aisle, leaving Duo to fume. "Hey, I'm talking to you, damn it."

He turned and glanced down at Duo. "You're house is too dark. All the drapes are old and dusty and should be replaced."

"It's my house and I like those drapes," snapped Duo.

"I doubt that," retorted Heero before continuing down the aisle toward a series of displayed drapes. There wasn't an extensive variety of drapes, but he selected several in a light blue that would lighten the living room.

"How would you know what I would and wouldn't like? You haven't been around for ten years." Duo was slightly out of breath when he caught back up to Heero.

Heero sighed and turned away from the drapes. "Perhaps that is partly my fault, but it is partly yours as well."

Duo flinched and he immediately regretted his words. A sigh escaped and he picked up two colored drapes and displayed them for Duo. "Which do you like?"

A glare was all he received before Duo finally gestured to a prussian blue. "That blue is fine."

Gathering up the chosen drapes, he paused as he passed Duo. "I never sought you out because I didn't think you wanted to see me. It was two years before I was in any shape to see anyone and by that time, I figured it was best to leave things as they were. Perhaps I was more at fault, but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."

"Yeah, for ten years I don't hear a peep out of you and then when I don't want you around, I can't get rid of you."

Heero lowered his eyes and moved towards the front of the store. "I'm sorry."

Duo remained silent as he moved past him. Only the rolling of the wheels on the hard floor of the store alerted him to Duo's presence following him.

The kid had already gathered the other items he had requested, minus the sealer to which he had a printed order form ready with the promise that the ordered item would be delivered to their address within three business days. The total was rather expensive, not that it mattered. Considering his minimalist lifestyle and the money he had horded from the wars, it would take a long while for him to ever be desperate for anything. The only reason he worked at the Preventers was to stave off the boredom that had set in.

The ride back to the house was silent. Duo had not spoken when Heero had lifted him into the truck, nor had he argued when he was lifted out and back into his chair. As he pulled Duo from the cab, he shivered at the warm feel created by the press of their bodies. A protective instinct rose even more fully in him as he gently settled Duo in his chair.

They made their way into the house, Heero stopping Duo from disappearing into his workroom with a gentle touch on his shoulder. "Help me."

Duo's eyes widened fractionally. "Huh?"

"Help me repair your flooring. You don't need legs to sand a floor."

His eyes narrowed fractionally as Duo spoke. "Are you trying some sort of psycho-crap with me?"

"No crap. I came here to be with you, not listen to the music on your stereo. We don't have to talk if you don't want to, I just..."

"And how do you propose I help you?" asked Duo.

Heero smiled and pulled out the large stack of sand paper he had purchased. "With these."

"Wouldn't it have been easier to buy a machine to do it? Not to mention quicker."

Heero shrugged his shoulders. "I like working with my hands."

Duo's eyes darted to where Heero's tapered fingers held the package. "I can't reach the floor in my chair."

It was another excuse and he almost smiled at the childish tone Duo had adopted. "Your rear end looks fine to me. Come on, Duo. I promise I won't force you to keep doing it if you really don't like it. If you help me do this, I'll leave after we're finished with the entire house if you still want me to."

"Let me get this straight. You'll leave me alone if I help you redo my floor?"

It was a gamble, but Heero nodded. "Affirmative."

Indecision played across Duo's face before he sighed dramatically. "Fine, whatever. Let me go take a piss first."

It took about ten minutes before Duo wheeled himself back into the living room and sat staring at Heero. "Where do we start?"

It was a small victory, but a victory none the less. With a deep sense of satisfaction, he wrapped his arms around Duo's waist and lifted him up so that they were chest to chest. Duo immediately grabbed onto his biceps and gasped.

"Fuck! Give a guy some warning when you do that."

Heero nodded and walked with Duo toward a side of the room. He gently and regrettably lowered Duo to the floor and adjusted his legs around him. Duo waved him away and slumped over as he moved his legs around and held out his hand for some sandpaper.

As Heero watched him begin to work on the wood, he frowned at how he was using the arm not sanding to hold his body upright. Perhaps this might not have been a wise decision.

"Duo..."

"Are you going to just stand there or are you going to help?"

"Yes." He moved several feet away from him and settled on his knees. The only sound in the room was that of rough sandpaper scrapping across the floor.

After a bit of silence, Duo reached over for another square of sandpaper and with one in both hands, he began to scrub in circles. Heero did not pay him any mind until he heard him muttering under his breath.

"Right circle, left circle. Right circle, left circle."

Duo looked up as if feeling his eyes. "What? Never watched 'The Karate Kid'?"

Heero shook his head and Duo gapped at him. "You serious?"

"There is no logical point in me lying to you," he answered truthfully.

Duo shook his head and went back to his sanding. "Geez, it's a classic. You should watch it some time. It's good, even by today's standards. They did a remake, but the original is still the best."

Heero smiled to himself and continued to scrub. Their companionable silence was only interrupted when Duo would ask for more paper or for a bottle of cool water from the fridge, or when he felt the need to interject with some small comment. It was different from their times during the war when Duo rarely shut up, but at least the dark cloud that had surrounded him since Heero's arrival seemed a little less overwhelming. They paused for a simple dinner of some left over jam and peanut butter spread over the remainder of the bagels. He really would have to do some serious shopping tomorrow.

It wasn't until Duo's arms gave out and he collapsed on the floor did Heero jump to his feet and move to his side. "Are you alright?"

"Fuck, I'm out of shape," Duo growled. "I'm done. I can barely feel my arms."

Heero immediately scooped an arm beneath Duo's legs and then lifted him. He moved to the sofa that he had pushed out of the way and settled him down as gently as he good. "Should I call a physician?"

Duo shook his head and lifted a shaking hand to rub his shoulder. "Fuck, I'm going to be hurting tomorrow."

Without thinking, Heero moved Duo's hands away and replaced them with his own—brushing aside the long thick braid. His fingers worked deep into the muscles on his arms and across his shoulders. He could feel the forming of knots and sympathized with him. Duo was going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow.

"That feels good," moaned Duo.

Heero leaned against the arm of the sofa and pulled Duo between his spread thighs so that he could have better access to the expanse of muscle while keeping Duo comfortable and supported. His hands continued to work deep into the muscles, working out every knot and soothing exhausted muscles until Duo was practically liquid against him. He wasn't sure if he was even still awake and winced when he realized he was sporting a rather obvious erection that was shoving itself against the material of his jeans and into Duo's ass. Having free rein to touch and massage Duo was both a gift and a torture, causing him to shift in an attempt to get comfortable.

He forced his breathing to maintain its calm rhythm. Of all the times for him to become aroused. This wasn't about him, but he had trouble telling his body that. He placed his focus completely on Duo until he heard a breathless sigh escape Duo's parted lips.

"Duo?" he whispered.

"Hmm?" mumbled Duo.

"Don't fall asleep or I'll have to carry you to bed."

And just like that, the moment was broken like the popping of a soap bubble. Duo flinched awake and seemed to realize where he was and the position he was in. The small blessing was that he probably did not feel the hard shaft poking firmly at his bottom.

"Don't touch me," he snapped and used his quivering arms to drag himself away from Heero.

The tone helped calm the heat flowing through Heero. "I was only trying to reduce the amount of soreness you'll have tomorrow."

"I can take care of myself." Duo scowled and pointed to his wheelchair across the room. "Get me my chair."

"Duo..."

"Get me the damn chair before I crawl and get it myself."

Heero frowned, but did as he was told. Duo shrugged away his offer of help and struggled back into the chair. With firm hands he pushed himself away from Heero.

"I'll be glad when we finish this damn floor. Then I'll be rid of you and everything will get back to fucking normal."

Heero did flinch at that. He watched with barely concealed sadness as Duo disappeared from sight and down the hall. With Duo gone, he slumped on the sofa and cradled his head in his hands. He had almost reached that point where there was a renewed connection until Duo severed it. He took a few breaths and considered taking a pill before shaking his head. He didn't want to become dependent on them. A good night's sleep was what he needed. Tomorrow he would keep pressing and hopefully this route would pay off. He only wished he could get Duo into confiding in him. With a huffing sigh, he moved toward the guest bathroom and the much needed shower.

**AN:** I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thank you for all the reviews.

To duaimei: Thank you. It is a bit depressing, but this sort of story usually is. It will get progressively better :)


	5. Chapter 5

_He stood in the control room of an OZ base, hunched over the master computer with an intense expression focused on the data he was sent to obtain on the new models of mobile suits being produced. In the corner of the room, a dead OZ soldier lay in a pool of his own blood, dead because of his bad luck to be on duty during the mission. He didn't give the dead man another glance as his fingers flew over the keyboard, sending the files to the portable memory stick he had inserted into the drive. One man's life was not important when compared to that of millions and his emotions had been trained, beaten even, out of him. His mission was important. Both Earth and the colonies depended on his success._

_A feeling of intense satisfaction washed over him as the final file was transferred onto the stick and he jerked it out with a small rarely seen smile. He slipped the small device into a hidden pocket, grabbed his gun, and prepared to sneak from the base before the dead body in the control room was found and an alarm sounded._

_Just as he turned to leave, the door to the room opened and a young girl, probably not more than a few years older than himself if appearances were to be trusted, stepped into the room. She was wearing the uniform of an OZ recruit and froze where she stood, her face bleaching white at what she saw._

_Her large blue eyes darted from Heero to the body lying only a few feet away. A scream rose in her throat, but was never released as a bullet exploded from his gun and buried itself into her skull. She crumpled like discarded doll on the floor and he quickly moved to pull her inside before they were spotted by patrolling guards._

_Pausing with his hand on the door, he glanced once more to the girl staring blindly toward the ceiling. Something inside him flickered and another memory, one he had been forced to repress for so long—one of another dead girl and her small dog._

_The gun he still cradled in his hand shook slightly and a gasping breath escaped his contracted throat. The synapse in his brain fired rapidly and long months of retraining flared inside him, nearly shutting him down completely. All emotion bled from him as his mind sought to take control over the lapse. Emotion had no place in war._

_Just as quickly as the flutter of emotion occurred, it vanished and the emotion that had attempted to rise forth was tamped down once more. The perfect mask of emotionlessness reappeared and all feeling was muted under the haze of it. He didn't spare the crumpled bodies another look as he escaped from the room and then the facility. The mission and completing it was all that mattered. He was a tool to bring about peace._

Heero's eyes shot open and he barely registered anything other than the rise of bile in his throat. A garbled cry escaped his throat as he lunged to his feet and rushed toward the small guest bathroom just outside his room.

His dinner rushed upward and he gagged and gripped the toilet as heaves wracked his body. Even after his body had nothing left to give, he continued to gag and cough. Tears he had not realized he'd shed dripped wetly down his cheeks. Only when his body stopped its painful heaves did he finally lay his head onto the rim of the toilet and groan. It had felt so real—the way he had killed those two people with only the faintest twinge of regret that was immediately wiped away as if it was never there. He couldn't even really recall their faces other than that the girl had possessed unusually bright red hair and blue eyes. He hadn't cared, or rather; his training had not allowed him to care. The mission always took priority. Anything and anyone else was expendable. It reminded him of how he had been little more than a robot for so long and only allowed small periods of true emotional relief—many of those being the times he spent with the other pilots when not on missions.

Each brought with them some unique trait that effectively helped him survive those dark days. Quatre always had a gentleness about him that soothed him. Trowa's silent companionship spoke loads of his understanding. Wufei's intelligence and learned knowledge offered him an intellectual distraction.

But, it was Duo who truly distracted him. He couldn't show it, not really, but he had always treasured the outgoing personality that Duo portrayed. In a way, he envied him for it. They were polar opposites and that alone drew him...and distracted him—both in a good and dangerous way. His conditioning never allowed him to fully express what Duo meant to him. Only years of therapy had broken down the walls created around him—at least enough to function in society at any rate.

He always had the dreams and they varied. Sometimes they focused on the war and other times on his training prior to the start of the operation. It had been several months since he'd last had a dream so hauntingly vivid.

For so long after the wars, they had haunted him—the ghosts of all the lives he took with barely a thought. Completing the mission had been his sole goal during those dark times. His entire being had been practically programed, much like a computer. Even now, after over ten years, he still struggled. He had regained his humanity, but at the near cost of his sanity. The dead were determined to be heard, even if only through his memories.

Releasing a shuddering breath, he struggled to his feet and stood before the sink. His face was pale, covered in cold sweat and streaked with tears. The sclera of his eyes was bloodshot and his lips and the shadows beneath looked far too much like bruises. In simple terms, he looked like shit.

He splashed some cool water on his face and groaned. It didn't take a psychiatrist to understand why he'd experienced another episode as this. Duo. Each time they made a step forward, they were forced to take two back. They were not making the progress he had hoped and that failure was causing his mental stability to weaken. He wasn't anywhere near a breakdown, but he was paying for the lack of more progress.

Even knowing the strain it was putting on him and his own sanity, he refused to abort the mission at hand. Duo meant too much to him for him to simply leave him to waste away. He doubted he was at the point where he could abort. Too much of himself was invested in healing Duo.

Swallowing against the acrid taste coating his tongue, he grabbed his toothbrush and scrubbed at his mouth until the haunting taste of his past sins was no longer present. He only wished it was as easy to wash clean his conscience. Letting go of his conditioning had caused far more pain than he would have ever thought possible.

His body felt heavy as he collapsed once more onto the lumpy mattress in the guestroom. His mind was far too active to even hope at returning to sleep and considering the dreams haunting him, he was not sure he wanted to return to that realm again.

Finally, his body allowed his mind to rest in a similar state to a doze, something he and most of the others had learned well during those long months of war when they had to be ready to fight or flee at a moment's notice. His body had learned to exist on little to no sleep and even ten years later, he rarely slept deep enough that he couldn't wake up at a moment's notice if he needed to. Wartime habits were hard to break when at one point his life had depended on them. He had come a long way from the near robot he had been before a near breakdown had forced him to leave Relena's service and enter a facility that could help him.

He sighed and rolled over. His eyes remained closed and he allowed his mind to recall the first time he met Duo. Though it was a result of great pain for him, it was one of his happiest memories because it was then that someone had broken through the shell he had created, even if it was with bullets. When his phone began to chime an incoming call, he frowned at the disturbance and reached to the bedside table and lifted it to his ear, sparing a quick glance to the time. It was later than he had thought.

"Yuy."

"How are things going?"

Heero's eyes fluttered open at Hilde's voice. "Undetermined."

"That bad?" she sighed. "I'm sorry for not coming to you sooner, Heero. It's just, I..."

"It's fine. There is some progress. He has accepted my presence somewhat."

"In other words, he hasn't kicked you out yet. That's a good sign, I guess."

Heero huffed a small laugh. "I think the only reason for that is because he can't physically do it...at least not yet."

Hilde hummed quietly. "I wouldn't be too certain of that. He still considers you a friend, I'm certain of it."

He considered her comment, but dismissed it as opinion based. "I doubt our friendship, if you could call it that, has endured. I never treated him well during those days. He was simply another piece on the chess board."

"Those were hard times, Heero. We were all children fighting in a war that should never have come to be. Our generation is scarred beyond repair. We've all been touched by what OZ became and what we were forced to do in retaliation. Those memories will haunt us forever."

"Some more than others," he murmured, more to himself than a response to her.

"Do you speak from experience, Heero?" she asked quietly.

Heero didn't respond, simply swung his legs over the side of the bed and sighed. The muscles in his shoulders and arms were a little stiff, a mixture of the physical labor and the poor sleep he'd had the previous night. If he was tender this morning, he imagined that Duo was in a much worse state. The rumbling in his stomach alerted him to the pitiful dinner they had enjoyed the night before. They needed groceries and he was not going to leave Duo again to go procure them.

"Hilde, can I ask a favor?"

"Of course," she answered.

"We are in dire need of supplies. I don't want to leave Duo to buy them, and considering what we did yesterday, I doubt he will be in much shape for going with me. Could you bring us some things to last a few days?"

"That idiot," she growled, almost too low for him to hear.

She must have understood his questioning silence, because she set off on a tirade. "That idiot Duo told me he had groceries delivered every few days. If you you're asking me to bring groceries, then you must not have a damn thing to eat in that place. God...what an ass, lying to my face like that."

"Duo is...complicated."

"No shit," she growled. "I'll bring some things over in a few hours."

"One thing, Hilde." Heero grabbed a t-shirt from his bag and pulled it over his head. "Don't antagonize him. I don't want to push him further into his shell. A setback would not be helpful at this point."

"He has to know what he's doing to the people who care about him."

Heero slipped a sock on his foot and fought the urge to snap at her. She meant well, but she didn't understand. Her part in the wars was nothing compared to theirs. She didn't have the same mental baggage they carried.

"He knows."

"But..."

"I know what I'm doing."

He could almost hear the urge in her to argue with him before she heaved a loud sigh. "Fine. I'll let you work on him for a while. I just hope you know what you're doing."

Heero ended the call and slipped his phone into his pocket. He hoped he knew what he was doing too, considering that he felt as if he were walking in quicksand and the harder he tried the deeper he sank.

* * *

Duo blinked awake in the muted light of his bedroom. He was surprised he hadn't dreamed while he slept. Dreams called to him nearly every night. In his dreams he could walk and feel and fuck. They were a nice place to be, even the ones that weren't so nice. At least they were better than the nightmare he lived in when his mind finally awoke.

For several long minutes, he lay unmoving in bed. Sleep continued to draw at him and even with a night's rest, he felt an unusual exhaustion. The covers pulled over him were warm and drew him into a doze that lasted only a scant few moments. As much as he wished it, he couldn't lay in bed all day. Getting dressed would take a while and then there was the process of urinating and shitting on the set schedule he had trained of his body. Those schedules didn't allow much time to stay abed.

Pulling at the covers, he moved to lift his torso enough to grab the bar he used to pull himself into a sitting position when agony screamed through his muscles. A gasp escaped him as he lay staring at the ceiling. "What the fuck?"

He couldn't recall ever having such agonizing muscle pain. Just the act of lifting his arms above him was pure torture. He even tried to adjust the head of the bed to raise his torso, but it only helped minutely. Reaching for the bar nearly brought tears to his eyes and as he grabbed it, he knew he did not have the strength in his arms to pull himself into a sitting position. His muscles quivered with pain and weakness.

Duo released a low cry and dropped back down to the bed with a grunt. "Fuck me."

He needed to get out of the bed. Bad things happened if he got off his schedule. Urine could back up into his kidneys, causing an infection or worse. His bowels could become impacted if he didn't shit often enough and that brought on the nightmare of giving himself an enema. He wanted to bang his head into the wall for being an idiot and overtaxing his muscles to the point he had. It was just that for a while last night, he had felt almost normal as he scrubbed away the years of neglect on the hardwood flooring.

Gritting his teeth he played his options through his head. He could try waiting a few minutes to see if he was able to push through the pain enough to get into a sitting position. Even if he did, he wasn't sure he had the strength in his arms to lift himself into the chair. The second option was the more plausible even if it was one he dreaded implementing.

"God...I'm such an idiot." He lifted his palms to his eyes and fought back the tears. It really was the only option and as much as he hated Heero seeing him in the chair, he hated the thought of him seeing him as helpless as he was now. He was still pissed at him for coming in and making him begin to feel things he had long since buried. Heero made things so damn hard for him and now he needed him to help him before his kidneys exploded from backed up urine. There were times when he was certain the universe hated him.

It took several minutes and long deep breaths before he felt more in control of the situation and his emotions. It was then he called out. "Heero!"

He did not have to wait long before his bedroom door flew open and Heero stood before him. Embarrassment flushed his cheeks and he wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole.

"Duo?"

Duo sighed and turned his gaze back to the ceiling. "I need help. I'm too sore to move to my chair."

He wasn't sure why he expected Heero to laugh. That wasn't something Heero would do even to a joke, why would he laugh at the cripple? He guessed it was because it was something he had come to expect from those not living the life he did.

Heero didn't say a word. He moved with that cautious grace he had always possessed and slipped a gentle, but strong arm under Duo's legs and behind his back. It was almost ridiculous how easily he was lifted into the strong arms.

Duo's arm shot out and wrapped itself around strong shoulders and he shuddered at the firm feel of muscle beneath his palm. Heero had always possessed an overlooked strength. He was a slender man of Japanese descent. True, he had filled out more in recent years with pleasantly broad shoulders tapering down into a narrow waist, but at how easily he was lifted surprised him.

Heero cradled him against his chest and Duo unconsciously lifted a hand to press to Heero's chest. The hard pump of a strong heart thrummed against his palm. For the longest time, he remained firmly placed in the strong arms holding him until the shock faded and he realized the intimacy of the embrace.

"You can put me down," he said hoarsely.

Heero's deep blue eyes met his and for a moment he was lost in those orbs made of Prussian blue. There was a pause before he was ever so gently lowered into the chair, his feet carefully arranged on the footrests.

"Thanks," he grunted and gave a firm push with his hands before groaning.

"Duo?"

"Just sore. It's been a while since I did any manual labor."

Heero frowned and stepped forward, taking ahold of the handles and pushing him forward toward the bathroom. "Do you need any help?" he asked as they entered the white interior.

Duo choked on some saliva and glared at the other. "Do I offer to shake your dick when you're finished pissing?"

Heero blinked and frowned. Duo could see the wheels turning in his head and shook his head. For as different as Heero was, there were times when he was all too similar. "That means get out so I can get my shit done."

"I'll be in the bedroom if you need me."

Duo snorted and opened a drawer where he kept the straight caths. He reached over to wash his hands before tugging his lounge pants and adult diaper down enough to latch onto his dick. It was half hard, not particularly unusual. His body still had some reactions, even if he couldn't feel them, and that made him all the more bitter.

He dipped the end of the catheter into the accompanying gel and gently inserted it into the end of his penis. When he reached bit of resistance, he took a breath and gently rolled the catheter. A small gasp left his throat and a faint tingle shot up his spine. He did have minor sensation in his prostate, not enough to be worth sticking anything up his ass, but it was a feeling he occasionally experienced when inserting the catheter. He supposed he should be grateful that he couldn't feel the catheter; he'd heard from others that the experience was not very pleasant.

He watched the dark yellow urine work its way down the tube and into the toilet. What he wouldn't give for the injury to have been just a few vertebrae lower. Maybe then he would have had control over his bladder and bowels.

When he was certain that his bladder was empty, he extracted the catheter and deposited it in the trash. The part he wasn't looking forward to loomed before him and heaven be damned if he would call for Heero again to help with this.

He had to bite his lower lip until he tasted copper on his tongue, but he made it onto the toilet. He struggled to push the pants and diaper down his leg, leaned his head on his hand, and waited. He didn't shit every day, but he hadn't the day before so he needed to in the next day or two, otherwise, an enema was in order.

For fifteen minutes he sat and nothing came of it. He groaned and shifted himself back into his chair with much struggling. He wanted to shower. The sweat on his body from the evening before had dried and left his skin itchy and his hair faintly greasy.

He rolled his wheelchair over the slight bump of the specially made shower and transferred himself onto the seat. His legs were always the most frustrating part. They were cumbersome and complete dead weight, needing to be maneuvered around by hand before he could even start the bath.

With a grunt of relief, he flipped on the spray and turned the handheld sprayer away from him until the water warmed. He nearly groaned at the pleasure of the warm water washing over him—soothing his muscles as much as could be expected. A practiced action released his hair from its long braid and he sighed as water worked through the thick tresses.

He didn't mind showers. They were more convenient for bathing and washing his hair, but damn he missed baths. Soaking in a tub filled with bubbles was always a guilty pleasure of his. There were times when he wondered if it was his secret inner women coming out...not likely. If he had a feminine side, bubble bathes were the extent of it.

Grabbing the shampoo after dropping the spray, he lathered his hair and whimpered a little as his fingers worked deep into his scalp. The only thing better than washing his hair was having someone else do it for him. Having others groom him was always a bit of a kink with him, and surprisingly one he never let Hilde participate in.

He frowned and wiped at runaway suds before they could drip into his eye. There were a lot of the secret parts of his soul that he had never let Hilde have access to. Maybe that was why they hadn't lasted as long as he had hoped. Or rather, he kept telling himself it was the reason when the actual ruiner of his former relationship with Hilde was standing in his bedroom at that very moment. It wasn't Hilde's fault that their relationship had ended. No one would ever measure up to Heero in his heart. He had been stupid to even try and fill the void made only for Heero to fill and now it was too late.

"Stop that, damn it!"

He refused to dwell on those thoughts and washed the shampoo from his hair. The past didn't matter anymore. He would simply placate Heero for the time it took for him to redo the flooring and then everything would go back to the way it was. Heero would return to Earth and that was that. Then, maybe, he could find some solace because the longer he spent with Heero, the less he wanted to die. It was strange, because the longer he spent with Heero, the more it hurt. The calculations did not add up and he'd always been good with math.

A knock sounded on the bathroom door and he started. "Duo? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, damn it. I've been showering by myself for ages. Go do something." He glared through his dripping bangs and rinsed the rest of his body. His muscles still hurt like hell, but at least the heat and steam of the shower had loosened them enough that he could move a little better. A soak would have been better, but he was not going to go there.

Shutting off the water, he began the long process of drying and dressing. He ran his hands over his legs and ass, checking for cuts and sores. He knew the risks and had no intention of playing into them. Ideally, he would have another person check his bottom, but one made do with what they had. And it would be a cold day in Hell before he let Heero Yuy check his ass.

Duo blinked and snickered as a tear tracked down his cheek. Laughing and crying at the same time seemed an oxymoron. There was a time he would have given anything for Heero to check out his ass. Considering the tight pants he wore during those days, it wouldn't have taken much.

"Damn it," he hissed and wiped away the tear with the towel before grabbing his diaper and clean pants.

Another twenty minutes and he was very slowly pushing his chair out of the bathroom. He hadn't braided his hair yet and it hung damp around his face. He stared up at Heero and frowned when he saw the intense look in his eyes. "What?"

Heero shook his head and took the brush from where it lay on Duo's lap. "Hey!"

Seconds later, the thick bristles were running through his hair and he gasped at the tingle they created. His hands gripped the arm of his chair and he shuddered, almost minutely, at the pull on the strands. The touch wasn't sexual, but it was intimate. Only a few people had ever been allowed to go anywhere near his hair. Despite everything that had happened to him over the years, his hair was the one thing he could never part with. It was as much a part of him as an arm or a leg and having Heero so carefully caring for it was akin to heaven.

He couldn't stop the purr that rumbled from his chest at the attention. He forgot everything—anger, frustration, bittersweet longing. Everything faded away and the soul focus of his existence lived in the firm, but gentle pull of a cheap hairbrush.

The muscles of his upper body trembled with each tug. He bit his lip to keep from moaning while his heart picked up a rapid pace. When the brush was set aside, he nearly whimpered a plea for him to continue but kept silent. He was weak enough without sounding it too.

Heero's hands nimbly plaited his hair into a simple braid and tied the end with one of many rubber bands housed in a jar on his dresser. The braid was draped carefully over his shoulder and the hands completely removed from his person.

And he wanted to cry out for them to return. He ducked his head and refused to meet Heero's gaze. "Thank you," he muttered.

Heero's face softened momentarily. "Do you feel like going out for breakfast? Your kitchen doesn't have anything but old pickles and some ketchup."

"The breakfast of chamipions."

"Duo..."

"Come on, we've eaten worse."

Heero glared and Duo laughed. The teasing reminded him of times during the first war. Heero had been no fun to tease because he rarely rose to the bait, but Wufei. Their Chinese companion on the other hand...

He snickered under his breath and shook his head. He missed the others. Wufei with his stick up his ass and a kinky infatuation with justice. Trowa with his sad eyes and quiet demeanor. Quatre with his bright red blushes and hard core strategizing. He missed them, but never wanted to see any of them again.

"Duo? Do you feel up to going out?"

He sighed and glanced up at Heero. "Would you listen if I said no?"

"If the reason was valid, I would listen."

Duo rolled his eyes. "Your version of valid and my version of valid are distinctly different."

"Why is that?" Heero's lips quirked in a small, barely there, smile and the pit of Duo's stomach fluttered.

"Because you're a fucking asshole who won't leave me alone until I do what you want," snapped Duo before using his hands to shove the chair toward the door, ignoring the stinging burn in his biceps. He rolled down the hall and toward the front door before glancing over his shoulder. "Are you coming?"

Heero nodded. "Yes."

As he wheeled out of the house and into the artificial lights of the colony, he glared at Heero. "I'm making you pay, by the way."

Duo wasn't sure, but he could have sworn the slight tilt on Heero's lips grew. Heero had always been difficult to read because he had never really shown much emotion. Now seeing small expressions of feeling on him only made him that much harder to understand. The curious, almost dead part of him pulsed to life. It wanted to know this Heero, the one with the gentle smile and determined glare. He tried to tamp down the spark that rose in him. Anything he felt would only end up hurting him in the end. It would be pure torture since all he wanted was for the pain in his heart to stop by any means.

**AN:** I apologize for the wait. I took some extra shifts at work and just about the only thing I did was come home and get in the bed. Thank you to everyone for the support and praise. I hope you like this chapter. I struggled a little with it, but have started to introduce little bits of intimacy between the two that will be built on. -hugs-


	6. Chapter 6

The small diner was busy, busier than he would have liked. He drew eyes wherever he went because of the chair. People were always curious as to why he couldn't walk. It was that natural human curiosity. And it was Heero's fault that he was suffering through it.

Why did that asshole always seem inclined to force him into public? It had been months since he had left his house and now Heero had forced him out twice in as many days—first to the supply store and now to a diner.

What was his agenda? Heero had always been someone who calculated odds in his head, made worse after the nightmare with the Zero system. Both Heero and Quatre had come out worse for it. Quatre had said something to him in one of their moments alone not long after the second war ended. He told him that he would never forget what Zero had made him feel.

It had made him feel nothing.

It had taken away the emotional part of control and presented precise data at a rate that even the most powerful of computers had trouble computing. It forced the user interfacing with it to see all possible outcomes before they happened and then choose the one with the highest success percentage. In theory, it sounded great; but when the higher success was at the cost of more lives than was emotionally acceptable, the human pilot was tortured. Everyone experienced Zero differently, but any way it was looked at, that accursed program was a nightmare.

Heero had never really talked about his time with it, but it was obvious that he had scars left from it as well. To what degree, he could only speculate.

A menu was placed in his hand, pulling him from the past meanderings. Duo stared at it with only the mildest of interest. He wasn't really reading it. Other thoughts occupied his mind, thoughts he could not simply push away with a force of will. The primary cause of those thoughts was sitting across from him in the small diner, looking as calm and collected as he always had. Heero, if anything, could hide what he was feeling better than anyone else.

His eyes darted up to glance every so often at his companion. He wished Heero would admit defeat and go. And he wanted him to stay and never leave. It was a doubled bladed sword that cut him either way he looked at it. That damn emotional upheaval that Heero had brought to him. He'd been fine, tired and ready to finally rest when in he stormed and tore from him that one promise of peace.

Now, he knew he would never be capable of taking that final step. Heero had ruined him. He would willingly suffer simple because there still existed a bond with him. That small bond, reaffirmed in recent days, was all it took. Years ago, he would have given anything to have any sort of relationship with Heero acknowledged.

He seemed so different—a robot that became human rather than one playing at it. He tried not to admit it to himself, but he liked this Heero. Everything about him was different, but still the same. It caused him to wonder if he might have had a real chance with him had the accident not ruined everything.

That particular thought caused him to clench his jaw and slam his menu closed. He was willingly torturing himself with such thoughts. Heero was a friend, and only a friend. It was the way things had always been between them. They had synced easily on the battle front, but in the matters of the heart, they seemed to be forever out of tune.

Not that he could ever have a normal sexual relationship again even if he was able to connect. Yeah, he could get a partial erection with manual stimulation, but what the hell good did that do him if he couldn't feel anything noteworthy? If he had sex and was penetrated, he might feel a little tingle here and there from his prostate, but even that wasn't worth the risk of impaction.

The thought made him wince and reach into the bag he kept on his chair. Inside were several prescription bottles. Publically taking the drugs couldn't be any worse than sitting in a full restaurant in a wheel chair.

Heero glanced up from his menu and frowned at the bottles that were lined up on the table. He reached for one, but Duo was faster, snatching the bottle before he could examine it. It didn't stop him from questioning him. "What are those?"

"None of your damn business."

Duo glanced at the prescription in his hand. Docusate sodium. Fuck if he would let Heero know he took stool softeners. That was one prescription he was not going to let him see and he sure as hell was not going to let him know he hadn't had a bowel movement in several days.

The other bottles contained muscle relaxers and vitamins—definitely less intrusive than the one he held hidden in his hand. Heero shot him an unreadable look before returning his gaze to his menu. Duo wasn't stupid enough to think that he was distracted by what he was reading. He could practically feel Heero's attention on him. At least he was being given the facade of privacy.

He tossed back the docusate and the muscle relaxer. The muscles in his back were stiff and threatening to spasm. It was hard for a normal person to appreciate the muscles of the lower back and ass until one could not use them. His upper core muscles in his abdomen were forced to compensate for those in his lower back.

Heero was still giving him his false sense of privacy when he tucked the pill bottles back into the bag and sighed. "You know, you could have just gone out and gotten something. You didn't have to drag me along."

"I don't like leaving you alone."

Duo rolled his eyes skyward. "I've been living alone for a while now. I know how to take care of myself."

"Your situation and the state of your home show otherwise." Heero tilted his head and arched a brow, as if wanting him to respond. And damn, that asshole knew just how to promote a reaction from him.

"My house is just fine and I do pretty damn well with my 'situation' as you call it." Anger created a flush in his cheeks and he was moments away from attempting to slug Heero just for being an ass.

Heero frowned and folded his menu before settling those piercing blue eyes on him. His face was a mask reminiscent of the past and his voice annoyingly calm. "You're fooling yourself, Duo. You're underweight, almost to the point of a serious problem. You're depressed with probable suicidal tendencies and you're forcibly attempting to eject anyone who cares about you from your life. My opinion is that your 'situation' is dire."

"Like you would know."

"I can observe well enough to know that you cannot keep going on the track you have set yourself."

Duo dropped his voice when he saw their conversation was drawing the attention of the other diners. "It's my life and I can set myself to go anywhere I want. You don't control me."

Heero was silent, his eyes boring deep holes into him. He'd never been much of a talker. Going over mission parameters and holding a conversation were two very different things. The turning wheels in his head were spinning.

"I don't want to control you. I only want to help you. I want to see the person who would not break under pressure, but rather bent the pressure to suit him. I miss that person."

Duo shivered at the smooth sound of his voice, both in longing and agony. How could he tell him that he wasn't sure that person existed any longer? He'd forgotten what it felt like to be the Duo Maxwell others had grown to love or hate. Who he was now was not going to change.

"What do you want me to tell you, Heero? That I'll work hard at being happy? I can't. I'm tired. I'm tired of...everything."

"That's when you stop relying on yourself and use the resources given to you."

Duo shook his head while rolling his eyes. "You continue to amaze me. Only you could make a simple statement sound like a mission."

Heero shrugged. "Maybe you should do so as well. It would be logical."

"Logical? What do you think we are, Vulcans?"

Duo could barely keep a straight face when one of Heero's brows rose in question. He was positive that he wasn't doing it on purpose, but merely reacting to his lack of pop culture history with an unspoken question. That it resembled Spock was purely ironic considering how similar in many ways Heero was to the Vulcan race from the old Star Trek movies and television shows.

"Duo?"

He shook his head and bit his lip to hold in the snicker. "Give me a second."

Heero frowned and moved to rise. "Are you in pain?"

"I can't..." Holding back the laughter was actually beginning to hurt.

"Duo! Do you need me to call a doctor?"

That was it. He couldn't take it anymore. Slamming his palm down on the table, he choked lightly before roaring laughter flooded from him. Tears leaked from his eyes, trailing down his face as laughter continued to roll from him. He didn't have to look around to know the other patrons of the diner were likely looking at him like an insane person. It didn't matter. He couldn't stop. It had built inside him to the point that stopping was impossible.

It wasn't the Vulcan-like response from Heero, not completely. It was merely the catalyst of everything. The laughter was like crying in some ways. It was his way of releasing the build-up inside him.

Heero sat down quietly and simply watched him. He could feel his eyes most of all. They burned him, clear to his soul, just as they always had.

"God, I needed that." As the laughter tapered off, he wiped at his tear streaked face and finally faced his companion. He wasn't sure what expression he expected to see, but the soft smile on Heero's face wasn't it. "What?"

Heero did not have a chance to respond. A nervous looking waitress appeared by their table with pen and pad in hand. "Are you two ready to order?"

"I'll have two eggs, over easy, with toast and hash browns." Duo grinned broadly up at her. "I'm not crazy, by the way. He just said something really funny."

The woman's eyes darted to Heero, where the smile had disappeared behind a carefully blank facade. She looked as if she didn't quite believe him. Not that he could blame her for thinking that. When Heero didn't want others to know what he was thinking, he could close up tighter than a safe. At least his face no longer held that cold disdain. The softness in his eyes remained even with the smile gone.

"Ignore him," drawled Heero, his blank mask never breaking for even a moment. "I'll have the special."

She nodded and walked off as quickly as she could, looking confused and a little bit startled. She probably thought they were both insane, not that she would be far off in that sort of thinking. He was fucked up royally and Heero wasn't much better. He might act like he was normal, but he couldn't hide the truth. After all they had been through, they were all insane.

"You scared her off."

Heero glanced over the rim of his coffee cup. "If I recall, it was you who was laughing like a lunatic."

"It was laughing. No one can hate a guy who is laughing. You're the one who's face looks like a mask."

Duo was surprised when Heero started. Almost immediately the mask that remained in place crumbled away. "I apologize. I hadn't realized."

"Realized what?" Now he really was confused.

Heero chuckled, though the laugh did not completely reach his eyes. "I hadn't realized I was slipping. I thought I had at least maintained a normal outward appearance."

"What?" Duo's eyes darted over Heero's face. "You look normal, I guess. Hell, to me it looks strange because I'm used to you being an asshole robot, so I can't really judge."

"I suppose you're not completely wrong about that." Heero dropped his eyes and sighed. "It was hard after the wars. I tried to continue on as if nothing had changed. Working with Relena seemed to be the next logical step. She was working to bring about a complete peace. It seemed right."

"There you go with the logic. I swear..."

His interjection was ignored, which was not surprising. Heero had always been the best at ignoring him.

"After a few months, I found myself willing to sacrifice others in my goals...I did sacrifice others. That was when I realized something was off. During the war it was fine. Sacrifice was a part of it all, but during peace times, it felt wrong. For a while I tried to compensate, but my programing was too ingrained. That was when I committed myself to an institution."

Now that was a shock. "Like...a crazy house type of institution?"

"I prefer mental institution."

"Whatever...did the others know?"

Heero shook his head. "Not at first. Quatre found out initially. He was the first to approach me. Trowa was the next, logically."

"Of course. I still think those two are doing the nasty on the side...no matter what bullshit Quatre feeds you about liking women." Jokes had always been his way of dealing with things, lightening the mood so he didn't have to live in the darkness. And now, he was instinctually doing it for Heero's sake.

"They aren't involved," said Heero. "They are just really close friends."

"Right..." he snorted. "So, did the crazy house help?"

Heero nodded. "It helped me...adjust."

"So, the docs reprogramed you? How did they go about that?"

He shook his head and frowned. "Not reprogram. Dr. J was too good at his job. I'll never be normal, but I can pass. I have more control over my actions, but my mental processes will never be like a normal person. Medication helps, but I still have episodes when I fall back onto the old ways. My mind attempts to purge emotion."

Duo snorted and rolled his eyes. "Like we could ever be normal after what we went through. Neither of us will ever be normal by society's standards. Hell, not even Mr. Well-balanced Winner can claim that, I would imagine. Even before I was in this chair, I wasn't normal. Hell, I couldn't keep a relationship for more than a few months. The only reason my relationship with Hilde lasted so long was because of our friendship. I don't know how the others are coping, but I know I wasn't and still aren't what you would call normal."

A smile creased Heero's lips. "The dreams are the worst."

"Yeah," whispered Duo. "We were fucked-up kids fighting a war we had no business fighting. Now we're fucked-up adults who are homicidal, suicidal, and likely sociopathic."

"Yes," Heero agreed.

"What does that say for us when we can admit that we're damaged goods?" Duo leaned into his chair and shifted his eyes away.

"That we are only human?"

"I guess. Sometimes I wonder. After everything, you understand, right?"

Heero frowned and clenched the hand that was resting on his thigh. "About?"

"Wanting it to end."

For a moment, he thought he saw a glimmer of fear in Heero's eyes. He wasn't sure, because he had never seen that look on the other's face. It was strange because he could recall times when he had been forced to pull a gun on the enemy because they always wore that look. It was strange and shocking at the same time.

"Heero?"

Heero's jaw tightened to such a degree, that it looked as if he was going to shatter his jaw. A dark shadow passed over his face before it was hidden once more as he exhaled a deep breath. "Sometimes."

Duo turned his gaze out the window. Heero understood. He wondered if he was happy at that knowledge or afraid.

They lapsed into silence, each lost in their own thoughts. When their food was placed before them, they tucked in to eat in continued silence. The food tasted like cardboard, but he swallowed it down all the same. He didn't want to hear it from Heero about how he wasn't eating enough.

"Are you finished?"

A quick glance at his plate showed all but the crust of his toast gone. He could barely recall eating any of it and blinked in shock. Had his mind been that preoccupied?

"Yeah, I guess I am."

Duo allowed Heero to take control of his chair and push him toward the waiting vehicle. He didn't even bother to argue when warm arms wrapped around his torso and carefully lifted him into the cab. Something between them had connected. Was it a bad thing that for the first time in over a decade, they were connecting, even if it was over their mental instability?

He didn't really know what to think. The longer Heero stayed with him, the harder it was to imagine him leaving. It pissed him off because he would be the one hurt in the end. He would be the one left alone. Considering that he had spent most of his life alone, he was angry that Heero was able to alter him enough to long for more than a few short weeks of companionship.

As they pulled up beside his small house, he recognized the beat up car parked in front. Damn it. That woman just wouldn't leave him alone.

Heero did not seem concerned as he pulled him from the truck and settled him in his chair. He ignored him once seated and rolled himself quickly up the ramp and into the house where his eyes immediately lighted on the intruder. "What are you doing here, Hilde?"

The woman in the kitchen turned to face him. The years had always been kind to her. She still looked young with her pixie haircut and bright eyes. The only visible mar on her features was the dark shadows beneath her eyes. And he knew he had caused those. Until today, he hadn't really looked her in the eyes for a long time.

"Heero called and asked me to bring some groceries. He wasn't kidding when he said the kitchen was bare. I think even a mouse would starve in this place." She placed her hands on her hips and glared at him. "Which means that you lied to me when I asked if you had food."

"I usually have a grocery store deliver, I just forgot about it."

She sighed and shook her head. "And you wonder why I'm always checking up on you."

"Stop nagging," he grumbled and rolled his chair into the kitchen to look through a few of the bags she had yet to put away.

"You look better, Duo," she whispered.

He paused and glanced over his shoulder at her. Her lashes were wet with tears and her head bowed as if praying. "Hey! Why are you crying?"

She shook her head and wiped frantically at the tears. "I always knew he would be the one to help you. You and I...you never loved me, so my helping you would have never worked."

"Wait, what? I did love you...do love you." His hand shot forward and grabbed at her wrist. He could feel the delicate bones beneath his fingers and immediately loosened his grip. "Hilde..."

"It's okay. I know you love me, just...not like I wish you did. You tried...we both did. In the end, I couldn't be him and that was that." She smiled sadly and lifted a hand to stroke his cheek. "And I'm sorry for that. I should have encouraged you to go find him, to be with him, instead of staying here on L2 with me. I hoped you would eventually stop looking for him in every man who walked through the door or passed you on the street."

Duo swallowed the thick lump in his throat. He hadn't realized how much he had unintentionally hurt her. Hiding what he was feeling had blinded him to the hurt he caused. His depression hadn't helped matters either.

Guilt washed over him and he struggled against the lump that had formed in his throat. "I...I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "It's not your fault. I'm just glad I called him. You look good, Duo. You look alive."

His eyes widened. "Nothing's changed."

"It has," she insisted. "Even if you don't see it or feel it. Him being here helped."

His eyes grew hooded and his lips pulled down into a frown. Maybe he was happy that Heero was here, deep inside. But, what happened when he finally left? He didn't say anything to her because he didn't want to think about it anymore than he already had.

"Duo? Is something wrong?"

He shook his head and met her concerned gaze. "I'm fine. Just thinking."

Her lips turned up in a watery smile. "I guess it's time I left."

She closed the distance between them and leaned down to brush her lips over his. "Goodbye, Duo."

With that, she was gone and he was left with the continued guilt. He was a fool because he had used her as a replacement to a person she could never be. Looking back, he realized it was something he had always known but refused to acknowledge.

He rolled toward the living room and blinked at seeing Heero sitting calmly on the sofa. "Did you see Hilde?"

Heero nodded. "She looked like she'd been crying."

"Yeah. That was my fault. I made Hilde cry and I know you made Relena cry more than once. We're both good at that, apparently."

Heero's lips twitched and he inclined his head. "I suppose we are."

Duo cleared his throat and wheeled his chair toward his room. "I'm going to go take a piss."

"I won't make you cry, Duo."

Hearing those words caused him to freeze. His heart gave a hard thud in his chest. A shudder worked through him and his hands tightened their grip on the wheels before continuing to roll himself down the hall.

"You already have," he whispered.

* * *

Duo rubbed at his shoulder, biting back a groan. Every muscle in his upper body ached. When Heero told him they wouldn't be working on the floor today, he was grateful. He'd thought muscle pains this deep were a thing of the past. Only G had been able to create this sort of pain—G and now Heero.

"Are you alright?"

He glanced over to where Heero was sitting on the sofa. The vidscreen was playing some new action flick; not that either were really watching. After lunch, Heero had flipped on the vid and Duo hadn't bothered to leave the room. He supposed that meant they had silently agreed to watch the show together.

"Just aches." He rubbed again, bemoaning the fact that he didn't have stretchable arms. He couldn't reach all the places that hurt and that pissed him off to no end, particularly when there was one ache that was bothering him more than the rest.

Heero moved with stealthy skill and scooped him from his chair. "What the fuck, Heero!"

The wheelchair was nudged out of the way and he was lowered carefully to the floor. He had never thought Heero would be the gentle sort until now. A throw pillow was grabbed and he found himself firmly urged onto his stomach with his head cushioned on the pillow.

"I should have done this last night," mumbled Heero.

"Done what?" The words had barely escaped his lips when strong fingers dug into the muscles of his shoulder and the question morphed into a long and drawn out moan. He had a vague exhaustion-hued memory of the massage he had received last night. It had felt nice, but had nothing on the deep probbing he now had the pleasure of receiving.

"Given you a proper massage."

It started at his neck and worked in expanding circles from his nape and down to his shoulders. The muscles surrounding his upper spine and shoulder blades were the recipient of longer, deeper strokes. It hurt, but it was the good kind. The bunched and abused muscles gradually loosened under the masterful touch. Each stroke and kneed forced them to relax and him as well.

"Feels good," he mumbled.

A grunt from Heero was the only response he was given. Minutes passed in slow succession and the hands moved from his mid-back down his spine.

"Where does sensation stop?"

The question was like ice water thrown over him and his entire upper body tensed. "Let me up."

He attempted to rise, only to feel Heero's weight pressing him into the floor and the brush of warm breath over his ear. "Relax. Let me do this for you."

Hands that had paused in their ministrations, resumed their kneading. He gasped and nearly arched as a particularly tight muscle was forced to relax. Even under the pleasurable assault, he tensed as talented fingers neared where he knew sensation ended. Already his sense of touch on his back was dimming the lower the fingers worked. Now he could only feel the pressure of the fingers and soon, nothing at all.

He lay stiffly beneath Heero's hands. "You don't have to work those muscles."

"They are still living and could probably stand with a good massage. If nothing else, it will improve blood flow," answered Heero calmly.

He snorted and clenched at the pillow beneath his head. "You just wanted to grab my ass. I may sit on it all day, but I know I have a fine ass."

"Sometimes you never change."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Duo glanced over his shoulder and watched as Heero massaged down to his calves. Each received equal attention and he wished with all his might that he could feel that touch because the massage on his upper body had not given him nearly enough of Heero's touch.

"It means what it means. Now relax."

"Well, seeing as I can't feel you touching me, I can't very well relax."

A small smile graced Heero's lips and he moved his fingers up to just below Duo's ribcage. "Are you jealous of your lower body?"

Duo sputtered and jerked away. "What kind of question is that?"

The answer he was given was the hands beginning their assault on his muscles once more. He moaned and shivered as every muscle in his body was turned to jelly. He didn't even have the strength or desire to lift his head from the pillow. Even after the deep kneading stopped, fingers gently stroked over his back. He suddenly wished that he had removed his shirt so that he could feel the touch on his skin.

The fingers drifted lower again and brushed where his shirt had begun to rise up. He couldn't stop the gasp from escaping and knew Heero had heard it. His fingers clenched in the pillow and a full body shiver raked his frame. God, he wished he could feel him with his entire body. A complete immersion in Heero's touch was what he longed for the most in that moment.

A small moan rumbled past his lips when the fingers stopped massaging completely and simply traced the skin visible between his shirt and his pants. He clenched for a moment when the fingers traced the surgical scar that ran up half his spine, another physical reminder of what he had lost. And then the touch was gone.

Hands lifted him carefully from the floor and back to his accursed chair. There was no sign on Heero's face that he felt anything while massaging him and he turned his back on him before he could question. He watched as he disappeared into the kitchen with a sense of loss. He wished he could dispose of the longing inside him. It was a curse he had born a decade before and now it had returned. Heero was the only person who had ever made him feel like he did and the asshole did not even seem to notice. With a small sigh, he turned his chair and wheeled it back into his workroom. At least here, he could immerse himself in his projects and forget about what Heero had forced him to feel.

**AN:** I apologize for the wait, and the only excuse I have is that I've started playing Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. I'm currently addicted and since my time is limited...yeah. So anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Also, check out the picture I commissioned for this fic. You have to be a member of Y-gallery to view it since the artist has locked her gallery to members only, but it's really angsty and beautiful. A link to it is on my user page.


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